


Already Gone

by Terr



Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Car Accidents, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Near Death Experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25804261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terr/pseuds/Terr
Summary: The life of Dr. Chiara Ray has never been easy, but last few months have been challenging in every way possible. And as for Ethan Ramsey, he never felt this lost and this alive at the same time. Just as they believe they could get a step closer to finding out what to do with their lives, the one night changes everything.
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	1. The Night

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! First of all, thank you for reading and giving my story a chance. Second of all, please note that I am not native (English) speaker, so the chapter probably contains a lot of mistakes or typos. Sorry for that.  
> So, there you go, get yourself ready for the great tragedy in Ethan Ramsey's and Chiara Ray's lives.
> 
> Also, all of the characters and original story itself belong to Pixelberry studio.

It's been two weeks since senator Ferrugia decided to get his treatment in Edenbrook, and after all those days and hours spent over the books and journals and test results, all the members of the diagnostics team agreed that it indeed was a mystery illness.  
It's also been two weeks since Ethan kissed Chiara at Mass Kenmore and even more since he kissed her outside his apartment, not to cover their actions in someone else's office, but because he truly and honestly wanted to. More than two weeks since he promised to talk about them and the talk was still yet to happen. She only brought it up once, while eating the chicken he brought her to work, but he stopped her, saying that the talk needed to happen outside the hospital when they are alone and with nothing disturbing them. So she waited and waited and the situation never came.

Her shift ended two hours ago, but she still found herself sitting in the diagnostics office with Ethan, reading journals and trying to find even the slightest clue about what is wrong with senator. Ethan, sitting at his desk, couldn't help but stare at her, trying to push himself to do it, to talk to her. He wanted to get this talk done every day, yet he waited for the right place and the right time and the right circumstances. He knew very well that it would be uneasy and uncomfortable talk, that it would be raw and full of emotions. He was scared. He was scared of what he was going to do, scared of his emotions and scared of being so vulnerable around her. But it needed to be done. He knew that there would never be the right time nor place nor situation to do something like that. So he took deep breath and spoke.  
"Chiara?"  
She looked at him from the round table and raised her eyebrow: "Hm? You found something?"  
"No. Maybe some more test we can run, but I hardly believe it will actually help. It's..."  
"Freaking impossible case. I know. Hey Ethan, there's this thing. All of my friends are going to a concert outside the city today, since it's our day off tomorrow and Rafael is leaving city in few days. It's kind of goodbye concert for him. So, since my shift is officially over, would it be okay if I left you here and go with them?"  
He felt his heart skipping a beat. He couldn't pull her into the talk now. So instead he said: "Jesus Chiara, of course. You shouldn't even ask. You don't have to be here and you definitely should have some fun with friends. Go and enjoy your night."  
"Really? I know this case is important."  
"So are friends. Just go already."  
"Thanks, Ethan. I'll come tomorrow, promise."  
"It's your day off. Just rest. The hospital is not your only obligation."  
"I know, I'll just stop by to see the test results."  
She grabbed her stuff and walked to the door, where she looked over her shoulder.  
"Bye, Ethan."  
"Enjoy the night, Chiara. See you tomorrow then?"  
"Sure thing," she grinned, "you'll only get rid of me when I am dead."  
She left, her words hanging in the air with Ethan for a little longer, until he started to read article about senator's last journey abroad, hoping that something would catch his eye. 

It was 3 A.M. and Ethan found himself sitting behind his desk, still going through the articles and blood test results and all the possibilities. He was tired, but not tired enough to sleep peacefully, so he decided to stay in the hospital through the night. As he was considering making another cup of coffee, urgent knocking at his door disturbed the silence of a night.  
"Come in," he called.  
It was Zaid Mirani standing in the door, his usually annoyed expression showing signs of shock.  
"What is it, Mirani?"  
"There was a car crash, four people were brought here..."  
"Do you need my help? I am positive surgeons are ready to take care of it. Or do you need me to call Dr. Emery? I know she is taking few days off"  
"No, it's not that, Dr. Emery is already here. It's just that... well... three of the involved are Edenbrook's junior residents."  
The air left Ethan's lungs at those word, his vision going black for three seconds.  
"Where are they now?" he asked, his voice thin and quiet. He felt as if he was choking.  
"E.R.," Zaid responded and with that, Ethan started to run through the corridors, down the stairs, he ran all the way to the emergency room. As he came in, he saw Dr. Trinh getting cast on her - apparently broken - leg, surrounded by Dr. Varma, whose face was bloody and bruised and Rafael Aveiro, who was holding Sienna's hand. Dr. Delarosa was examinating Jackie's face and listening to Sienna's shaking voice, as she tried to tell her what happened. Jackie Varma was staring at one point on the wall, her expression blank. As Ethan approached them, he wanted to ask, he needed to know if Chiara was with them, if she is okay. But Sienna was talking and he didn't want to interrupt, so he just sat across Rafael and listened.  
"...and the three of us were sitting in the backseats, we wanted to watch some stupid video together on the way home. And suddenly, I don't know how....I can't remember it very clear, just that the crash was so loud and the car moved to the side of the road and then... I am so sorry..." she tried to continue but tears kept running down her face. Rafael squeezed her hand softly and she started to talk again, "I felt sharp pain in my leg but I could think straight, so I started to look around and I saw that Jackie has glass all over her hair and face, but she was able to get out of the car and she grabbed Keiki with her... Keiki just kept saying that her head and neck hurt so much. At this point Rafael approached me and pulled me out of the car..."  
"We were in the car right behind them. Me, Bryce and Elijah, so we were the first to come there," Rafael explained his immediate presence on the scene.  
"Yeah right," Sienna sobbed, "and Elijah called 911 and I... I.... I'm sorry... I was so relieved that we are okay... and then... I can't" she started to cry loudly.  
Ethan couldn't wait any longer.  
"What about Dr. Ray? Was Chiara with you? Why are you not talking about her? Is she okay? Where is Chiara Ray?" he demanded.  
But Sienna couldn't stop crying and Rafael just closed his eyes, as if trying to forget something painful. It was Dr. Varma that broke the silence, without looking at anyone, still staring at that one point on the wall, her voice flat as she spoke.

"She is probably dead."


	2. The Fight

"She is probably dead."

Ethan felt his vision going black once again, the emergency room blurry. He felt like being thrown into the water, all the voices and sounds of the hospital distant, with no ability to catch his breath. Everything was black and swirling around, his mouth dry. He felt like he was screaming but no voice left his mouth. Everything was shaking and all those sounds, they were distant and so loud at the same time. No, that could not be true. Of course not, she promised to come tomorrow. She wouldn't just die. Not Chiara. Not his Rookie.  
"...Dr. Ramsey?"  
Aveiro's voice was suddenly clear, as if it was his hand pulling him from the watter.  
"Dr. Ramsey, are you okay?"  
"What were you saying, Dr. Varma?" Ethan heard those words leaving his mouth without ever realizing that he wanted to say them. "Surely there must be mistake. There's no way Dr. Ray would die. We are obviously not talking about the same person."  
He started to realize how he sounded, that he was making a fool out of himself, but he couldn't care less.  
"Ethan, I am sorry..." It was Ines' voice, soft and gentle. But he didn't want to hear that, he didn't want anyone to be gentle with him, because Chiara wasn't dead and there was no need to be gentle.  
"I said there was mistake!" His voice was rising naturally. "Terrible mistake. It must be because no way in hell would Chiara Ray get herself killed in a fucking car crash. You are mistaken, Dr. Varma, I know you are."  
His words were full of anger and disbilief and mostly denial. He was shaking everywhere and found his fists clenched together, trying his hardest not to punch anything.  
"Ethan, stop. Breathe." It was Zaid Mirani who said those serious, but steady words and placed his hand on Ethan's shoulder. "You need to breathe."  
Ethan closed his eyes and tried to steady his shaking voice and ragged breaths. After a while he calmed himself enough to ask quietly: "What happened? And where is she now?"  
Rafael, who was just handing tissues to Sienna, turned to him and started to explain: "Well, the show was over and it was getting late, so we decided to go back home. Chiara and I weren't drinking through the night. She said something about this senator patient and that she needs to be in the hospital next morning, so she decided not to drink and offered to drive back home, even though the car is Sienna's. The girls got along with Keiki..."  
"Who is this Keiki girl?" Dr. Mirani interrupted, "I am waiting for her CT scan results and I don't know who to approach about her."  
"She is Dr. Lahela's sister. He will get to you as soon as he can, I am sure. Well as I said, Keiki got along with girls during the night, so she decided to go back home with them. We were in the car right behind them and I noticed the car on the opposite side of road acting, like, really weird and just as I was saying to Bryce that the driver must be asleep or something, the opposite car crashed straight to Sienna's car. It was matter of seconds and really Chiara couldn't do anything at that point. We got out of the car immediately and rushed to the scene, Elijah calling 911. I helped Sienna out of the car and then joined Bryce who was already trying to get Chiara out but..." he gulped and took few deep breaths to steady his voice. "The front of the car was so destroyed, so demolished that we could hardly see her. There was nothing we could do until the firefighters came with the special equipment and scrissored the car to get her out. She... she wasn't breathing when they pulled her out, so they kept resuscitating her, even defibrilating as they got into the ambulance. Bryce went with them, already calling Dr. Emery and all the other surgeons he could reach, getting everything ready for surgery. About 9 doctors already waited in the O.R. when the ambulance arrived, Bryce joining the surgery. That's all we know. They are all in the O.R. in the moment. There's nothing more that we know." 

Not a single sound interrupted the heavy silnce that fell on the group the moment Rafael Aveiro finished his speech. Nothing that would break the bloodcurdling truth that was revealed. Sienna stopped crying loudly, the tears now slowly streaming down her face. Jackie appearing as a statue now, not moving even an inch, staring at that one point. Rafael's eyes were closed, deep wrinkle decorating his forehead, obvious sign of his enormous fear. Ines and Zaid kept staring at each other, their expressions shocked and scared. Ethan couldn't just sit there and observe them, couldn't keep analyzing their expressions. He needed to do something, as long as there was hope that she would live, he needed to do everything he could to keep her alive. He stoop up and without any word left the emergency room, his steps carrying him swiftly right to the O.R. He heard someone call his name, but he didn't turn to see who it was, he didn't want to hear that he can't do that, he just needed to see her, to stand next to her, to save her life. 

"Just stop, Ethan."  
The voice was suddenly very loud and clear, and together with strong hand catching his wrist, there was no hope for him to continue down the corridor, even though he was so, so close. So close to her. He turned around to find Naveen staring at him, his expression soft and understanding, yet his stare determined not to let Ethan get into discussion about this.  
"I know where you are headed and trust me, my boy, I understand. But you can't be there. All of the best surgeons are already inside, Harper is leading this surgery herself. Chiara is in the best hands and your presence won't help anyone. Not you, not Harper and not Chiara."  
"Have you been there? To the O.R.? That's how you know who leads the surgery and which surgeons are trying to save her life while I just stand here?"  
"Yes, Ethan, I've been there. You know very well, maybe too well, that I like Dr. Ray very much and that I care for her. But I care for you too, like a father cares for his son and I cannot let you go there. The surgery will last at least next few hours and every single doctor there needs to focus on her and only on her. Trust me, those people won't give up on her."

Ethan felt defeated. He found himself stumbling through the waiting room and falling into nearest chair. Once again his whole body was trembling, his breath feeling unnatural, as if breathing this easily while Chiara can't was something forbidden to him. Naveen sat next to him and silently watched the man, the boy, he loved with all his heart to suffer, to fight his own urgent need to go and save the life, because how could he not? His whole life is about saving others, it's his path, his destiny. And yet when it comes to people he loves, Ethan's ability to save them seems to disappear.  
"What if she gives up on herself?" Ethan broke the silence with voice barely louder than whisper.  
"What do you mean?"  
"You said that the surgeons will not give up on her. But what if she gives up on herself?"  
"Unfortunately, this is only and utterly up to her. It's her fight and if she decides that it's not fight worth fighting anymore, all we can do is to respect her decision. After all, that's what our job is about in the end, isn't it, Dr. Ramsey? Respecting our patient's decisions." After a while of silence, Dr. Banerji sighed and stoop up. "I need to check those other kids now."

Ethan didn't leave the chair for next few hours. He could see the door of the O.R. just well from where he was sitting and that way he could hypnotize them the whole time, imagining what's happening inside, his head full of images that scared him to death. The morning sun was slowly getting its way back to the city, colouring the sky with all those warm colours of purple and pink. For a minute, maybe two, the sky behind the window was the exact colour as Chiara's hair, auburn orange radiating so brightly the whole waiting room was glowing. He allowed himself to stop watching the door for those precious seconds, instead staring at the sky, recalling all the times her hair glowed like that. Under the artifical light in the diagnostician office when they were working deep into the night. On the summer day when they sat in his favourite coffee shop and the sun reflected its rays on her hair. Under the starry skies of Miami, when they shared their first kiss, the one that made him realize that he was far too lost in her for them to maintain strictly professional relationship. When he watched her sleeping peacefully after their first night spent together, those hair spread around her head on his white pillow sheets. He gulped at the memory and just like that, the sky changed its colours and pushed him back to the reality where Chiara wasn't sleeping in his bed, where she was fighting for her life instead. 

The hospital was getting fuller and fuller with every passed minute, patients waiting for their test results and scans, doctors doing their morning rounds, nurses wheeling patients to their rooms. None of it mattered to Ethan this morning. He didn't move from his chair and he wasn't planning to until the door of the O.R. would open and he could see Chiara. He didn't talk to people. He didn't answer when fellow doctors greeted him, rather surprised to see him sitting in the waiting room all alone, without any obvious reason.  
"Here, have some coffee." It was Naveen, handing him a steamy cup of much needed liquor. "And you are having three days off. No discussion."  
Ethan wanted to discuss, wanted to fight with Naveen, tell him that there's no need for him to be off the work, that he can separate everything from work, that he needs to help someone, anyone. But deep down he knew that it would all be lies, that he couldn't separate Chiara from anything he was doing anymore and that Naveen was right to put him off. So he simply nodded and continued to stare at the door, those stupid door that gifted him no hints of what was happening behind them. 

After three more hours he felt like the pattern of the chair was imprinted on his skin forever. He was sure he couldn't stand any more waiting. He tried so hard to distract himself remembering all the happy laughs and conversations that happened between them, only to feel invisible fist clenching his heart every time he realized he might never hear that laugh again. He wondered where her friends were, but then it occured to him that part of them were patients now instead of doctors and probably waited for some news in their rooms. 

The door finally opened. Ethan jumped on his feet, ignoring the blurry vision that came with such sudden movement and had to stop himself from running straight into the O.R. The surgeons left the room in couples hardly sparing him a glance as he passed them. Finally, he noticed Harper Emery walking next to Bryce Lahela, both of them looking beyond exhausted.  
"I gotta go check on my sister," Ethan heard Lahela say as he jogged away, his expression unusually serious.  
"Harper wait!" he called and with four big steps closed the distance between him and Dr. Emery, getting closer to getting answers at last.  
"Ethan," she looked at him, her tired eyes showing signs of sympathy towards her former lover.  
"Where is she? How is she?" he asked, needing to get straight to the point.  
"She's being transported to the I.C.U. at the moment. She is alive. For now."  
"What do you mean for now?" Once again, he refused to accept what she was saying, denying the scenario forming in his head.  
"I will be honest with you, Ethan, because I respect you as a doctor and as a friend. And because I know you care about Dr. Ray. It's miracle she still lives. The injuries were - are - tremendous. Her spine is broken on three places, she got here with massive internal bleeding. At the moment, her lungs are not working at all, her brain is swollen. Her spleen was torn. You are a doctor, I don't need to explain all of those to you I guess. We did all we could, but sometimes all we can is not enough. It's her fight now, Ethan and I need you to keep that in mind. Right now, there is nothing more that we could do. But with all honesty, her chances of surviving this are extremely low. And even if by another miracle she survives, the consequences could be unbearable. For someone like her, even worse than being dead."  
"What are you saying?"  
"You know very well what I am saying, Ethan. Complete paralysis. Loss of memory. Loss of ability to walk or to talk. Blindness. The list is long and you know it. You are one of the best, I feel stupid explaining this to you. I am really sorry Ethan, I know you care about her. She seems to be a fighter, but you won't be getting false hopes from me. Next thirty hours will be crucial."  
"Can I see her? Can I stay with her?"  
Dr. Emery looked at Ethan with emapthy in her eyes as she spoke.  
"You know you shouldn't. No one's allowed to be there."  
"No family member. No friend. But she needs a doctor checking on her and I am one of the best. Please Harper. You know I don't beg, of all the people you know that I am a proud man. Please just let me stay with her."  
Harper let out long, quiet sigh as she nodded. "Okay, I'll let the nurses know. But remember Ethan, there is nothing you can do to help her now."


	3. Waiting

Keiki was sleeping peacefully in her hospital bed with Sienna, Jackie, Rafael and Elijah surrounding her, waiting for a slightest hint of... something. Rafael couldn't let go of Sienna's hand, not when now, instead of crying, she just kept whispering "it's going to be okay, everything will be just fine, everything must be alright". She was clearly fighting with enormous anxiety and used the positivity so typical for her to deal with the situation. Jackie sat on the chair next to Keiki's head, her head propped on her knees. She was now looking at the ground, finally able to look around the room she was in, but she couldn't bring herself to say a single word. She wanted to badly to snap at Sienna for repeating those stupid words full of hope, she wanted to scream, to make her stop, but she was physically incapable of saying a single 'shut up'. Elijah just stared out of the window, trying to find some sort of distraction on the busy street under the hospital room.

The door suddenly opened and obviously exhausted and uncharacteristically serious Bryce Lahela walked in, the scrubs he was still wearing bringing odd mixture of disinfection and sweat to the room.

"Hey guys. Thanks for staying with Keiki. I met Dr. Mirani on my way here and he said that she suffered from concussion but should be okay within week. I got here as fast as I could."

"How did the surgery go?" Elijah asked nervously.

"Ugh... as well as such surgery can. She is alive."

"What are her chances of actually staying alive?"

It was Jackie, finally able to find her lost voice.

"As for now, I have no idea. Dr. Emery was fantastic, guys you should have seen her, she simply didn't allow Chiara to die on that table. But it was brutal. She has so many injuries, lost such huge amount of blood..."

He trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

"It's really bad, isn't it?" Sienna whispered.

"It is really bad, yeah. Dr. Emery told me not to get my hopes up, because the chance of survival or chance of recovery is very low. But she doesn't need to be always right. Very low does not mean none and if there is even glimpse of hope, I simply believe in full recovery. I already got my hopes up, because if someone can get through this, it's Chiara Ray. I mean, she's been through so much shit, in her early life, in her intern year, in her med school and she always, always pulled through and got stronger on the way. She is a fighter and she will fight this. We just have to keep believing in her."

There was a long silence after Bryce's speech, everyone dealing with their emotions on their own. Sienna's cheeks were soaked with silent tears again, Jackie played with hem of her shirt and Elijah just kept staring out on the street.

"I'm gonna get us some hot chocolate," Sienna declared out of nothing

"On the wheelchair?" Rafael raised his eyebrow, looking at her freshly casted leg.

"I need to do something."

"I'm coming with you."

Sienna and Rafael left the room without any other word and Bryce followed her, intending to change into clean set of clothes. Shortly after they left, the door flew open again revealing Aurora furiously walking in.

"What the hell, guys? What happened? I came home after the night shift expecting all of you to be home and the flat was empty! So I tried to reach Chiara, then Sienna, then Jackie and Elijah and none of you responded, so I tought maybe you went to the beach or something. I called my aunt, who is supposed to have three days off and she picks up at last telling me she just got out of the surgery of Dr. Ray? What does this mean? I ran all the way from home."

As Elijah started to fill her in on what happened, Sienna, Rafael and Bryce came back with five cups filled with hot chocolate.

"Ah Aurora, hi! Sorry I didn't know you would come, I'll go for another one," Sienna was about to go get another hot chocolate.

"No need. Just tell me what happened."

Aurora was left speechless when they finished. She grew very fond of Chiara and admired her as a doctor but also as a person. She couldn't imagine her lying on the cold operating table, more dead than alive.

"How about you girls? Sienna, Jackie?"

"We are fine. I have a broken leg, that's all," Sienna answered.

"Oh, I look much worse than I feel. I'll be back to work in a day or two," Jackie said angrily, not wanting to talk about herself at all.

"You think we could go and see her?"

"I don't think they would let us, not now. But when I went to get the chocolate, I talked to Danny and he told me that Dr. Ramsey is staying with her."

They all shared a silent look deciding whether they should talk about Dr. Ramsey or not.

"He really cares about her, right?"

Elijah broken the silence with sincere question.

"Oh he does," Rafael nodded. "I mean, I knew he had a soft spot for her when all it took for her to convince him to play softball was to ask him, but damn this was something different."

"Of course he cares about her. He is her mentor, she is important part of his team. And she saved Dr. Banerji's life."

"I guess he really does respect her for that," Rafael admitted. "But still, this was something else. He was going to lose it in the E.R."

"What happened in the E.R.?"

Aurora and Bryce asked at the same time.

"His whole body was shaking when he heard the news. I didn't know if he was going to punch someone or faint. And when he heard she was in the operating room, he just stormed off."

"She means a lot to many people."

Sienna closed the discussion up with only one sentence and the group remained silent. Every person in the room felt the same heavy feeling on their chest, but somehow sharing their fear has brought some ease into their breathing.

On the other side of the third floor, there was nothing nor someone that could possibly bring ease into Ethan Ramsey's breathing. He was sitting on the wooden chair as close to Chiara as he could get, his hands resting in his lap helplessly, afraid to touch even her finger, scared that he would cause more harm to her. Ethan kept staring at her, failing to swallow the bulge that formed in his throat hours ago. He hated crying. He hated it so much that he learned how not to cry even when needed to. Sitting here next to her, he wished he could just cry. Cry and scream, let some of the emotions out of his system, share them with someone. But the only person he could imagine sharing such grief with was the very same person that made him feel this way in the first place. And so he didn't make a move or a sound, remaining motionless on the chair, his jaw clenched.

_How could I let this happen? If I wasn't such coward, I would start the speech I was preparing myself for and she would never leave the office._

_Damn the speech, I could've just kissed her and she would stay with me._

The thoughts of what if's and what could and should have been were costing him his sanity, but Ethan couldn't just stop thinking. He couldn't forgive himself for losing so much time. For not expressing how he really felt. Oh, he should've done that long time ago, but he was afraid of admitting that he cared for her enough for them to be more than just star crossed lovers. How much he wanted to be with her, to call her his _, his Rookie_ , his Chiara and yet, he couldn't bring himself to talk to her about them, guilt eating him up for being so selfish. He wanted her despite their potential relationship being unprofessional, unethical, so wrong on so many levels. Still, he longed for her.

_She deserves better than me._

He couldn't help but think so, knowing that she expects much more from relationship than he could provide. He could give her his time and attention and physical affection, he would adore her and push her to be the best doctor she could be, but that would never be enough. She needed him to love her the way she loved and he wasn't capable of love. He didn't believe in such thing in the first place. Caring for someone, liking them, wanting to spend their time together, those things made sense to him. But love, love was like hope or faith, there were zero science explanations to back those feelings up. To make them valid. He couldn't tell her he loved her, because he didn't believe in love.

Not like any of that mattered now. He never told her how he felt or how scared he was of ruining her career and her life by wanting to be with her, he never expressed his belief that she should find someone better for herself, someone who would shower her with 'I love you's' every day. He never said a word and now she could die any minute.

Ethan lost track of time or of any outside situation for that matter, therefore Harper's presence in the room took him by surprise.

"Ethan, I need to check in on her, so please leave us. And I think Naveen would like to talk to you before he heads home today."

"What time is it?"

"8 PM."

"Can I come back when you are done with examination?"

He needed Harper to say yes. He couldn't leave her.

"You need to sleep Ethan. What was the last time you slept? Or eaten for that matter?

"I'll sleep when I feel like sleeping. I'm staying with her overnight."

With that he left the room, determined to find Naveen without talking to anybody else.

Dr. Banerji was sitting in his office, waiting for the younger man to come. As the door opened and Ethan entered room, he noticed just how devasted he looked. He hasn't seen him like that ever since his own dying.

"Ethan. Thank you for coming. Can I get you something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry. Thanks, anyway. You wanted to see me?"

"I wanted to check on you, dear boy. I see that this situation drained any life from you and I am concerned."

"I'm just scared okay? And hopeless. So fucking hopeless."

Ethan thought he would lose it now. That the tears would finally come. They didn't.

"I know you are worried about Chiara and I know that you would raise the hell if that would help her. But starving yourself or refusing to sleep will only destroy you too."

"Maybe I want to be destroyed."

"Ethan, don't say that."

"I don't know Naveen. I just... the last time I felt like this, it was when I thought you were dying. But at the time at least I could do something. I ran tests and studied not-so-known illnesses and I tried to save you. Now all I do is sitting on the damn chair and wait for her to wake up or die. It's killing me."

Naveen took Ethan's hand into his own and squeezed it with all the emapthy he had, hoping that the brilliant doctor in front of him could feel that he knew. He knew how Ethan felt about Chiara. He knew how much she meant to him and that it was her who saved his own life, after all. Dr. Ray stood by Ethan's side everytime he faced tragedy and when he needed her, she was there. Naveen knew that very well, without ever needing to talk to Ethan about it.

"I called her mother. She said she would catch the first flight in the morning and should be here by the noon."

Naveen broke the silence with the statement.

"You expect me to talk to her."

Ethan didn't ask, he knew it was true.

"I think it should be you. You know Chiara very well and her mother needs to hear the truth from someone who knows her pain."

"And what exactly the truth is?"

"Oh, Ethan..."

"Okay, I'll talk to her mother. I'll be in the I.C.U. with Chiara."

He left, expecting Harper to be done and without stopping anywhere, he found his way back to the I.C.U. room, spending his sleepless night there.

~

"Mrs. Ray, hello."

Ethan shook hand of the woman in front of him, trying not to stare at her hair. Hair with the same colour as Chiara's.

"Dr. Ramsey, it's nice to finally meet you. Chiara talks about you all the time."

She tried to smile and failed miserabely. Her eyes were puffed from crying and she was holding her purse so firmly as if it was her own dear life she was holding onto.

"Oh?"

"All the good stuff of course. Dr. Emery informed me about the surgery. Now you tell me... and I need the truth... will she get through this?"

At this point, she was crying again and Ethan couldn't help but hug her.

"She is a warrior, Mrs. Ray. I know Chiara very well and she fights whatever comes to her life. Nothing is certain, but I believe in her."

Ethan didn't know if he was trying to convince Chiara's mother or himself.

"I can't lose her too, Dr. Ramsey. Dr. Emery told me the driver that caused him was drunk. Is that so?"

"Yes, it's true. He has some broken ribs and waits for his time in jail."

"Is that some kind of curse?"

Ethan motioned for them to sit down before asking: "What do you mean, curse?"

"Oh, I should have guessed Chiara never told you. She doesn't talk about it and she would never bear the idea of you pitying her. But you already do pity her now, so I can as well go on."

Ethan nodded with his eyebrows high, holding hand of the woman who looked like she needed to throw up.

"Chiara is the oldest of my children. She had younger brother and sister, both adoring her. She was always such a good kid, taking care of her siblings, doing her homework, helping other kids at school. She wanted to apply for med school since forever and her father couldn't be prouder. He supported her every step, not to my delight. Chiara is excellent painter, art is huge part of her and as an artist myself, I always hoped for her to follow my steps. I thought being doctor wouldn't make her happy. But she applied for the med school, got in and I realized that the special spark she holds inside of her is only released when she talks about medicine. When she was in her second year, her father and brother died in a car crash. Drunken driver on the truck crossed the crossroad on the red light... they were both dead immediately. She lost her spark then, nothing could bring it back. But she stuck with the medicine because she wanted to make her dad proud. She finished the school and when she was accepted to her programm here in Edenbrook, that's when her spark returned. I remeber her screaming: 'Mom I'll get to work with Ethan Freaking Ramsey!' I hardly understood what that meant, but the expression she held at the moment was enough for one of my many wounds to heal. And now... now I am losing her too."

She was crying again, leaning against Ethan's chest, as he tried to soothe her pain by hugging her tightly. The bulge in his throat got bigger, even though he didn't consider it possible.

"You're not losing her. She never gives up and she won't give up this time either. I'll be here, Mrs. Ray, I'll take care of her and I promise you, Chiara doesn't die, not on my watch. I am Ethan Freakin' Ramsey after all."

He felt his own strenght coming back at his words. He started to see what Naveen and Harper were saying about him needing to eat and sleep. At some point, Chiara might need him and he needs to be ready to save her. Mrs. Ray managed to create a small smile, wiping her eyes.

"Thank you, Dr. Ramsey. I can't stay here, Alicia - Chiara's sister - needs me back to San Francisco. Just... just promise me to take care of her, okay?"

"Of course. Here, this is my number," he handed her a piece of paper with his quickly written number. "Call me anytime. We will inform you about everything. Now, I'll let you see her for a few minutes, if you want."

~

Two weeks have passed and Dr. Emery stood side by side with Dr. Ramsey, consulting results of Chiara's new CT scan.

"Pretty impressing, I must say. The swelling on her brain is retreating and as far as I can see, there's no evidence of irrevisible damage on the brain. Of course we'll know better if she wakes up."

" _When_ she wakes up," Ethan muttered under his breath, not accepting the possibility of her not waking up.

Harper looked at him with raised eyebrows, but never said a word.

"However, we are far from winning this, but so far, Dr. Ray here convinced me that nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems. With her lungs working on their own completely now, I propose transferring her from the I.C.U. to your wing of the hospital, Dr. Ramsey. As a surgeon, my work is done her for now. Her brain needs to start working and that's your field. She's all yours."

 _Oh how I wish she was all mine_ , Ethan tought but didn't say a word. He just nodded and left the I.C.U.

One would say that Ethan Ramsey's life was back to normal. He was back to work, giving interns hard time, reading journals, cracking cases, avoiding people. Looking more tired than usually, his hair longer and more messy, his stubble slowly turning into beard, everyone knew that he wasn't completely okay, but how could he be after all? Little did they know that for the past two weeks, Dr. Ramsey only left hospital once. He slept on the couch in his office every night so that he'd be close in case Chiara's state changes. Little did they know that every time he had some spare time, he'd spend it next to Chiara's bed, looking at her. Naveen's heart was breaking for Ethan's pain. He was probably the only one to notice how much weight Ethan lost, eating two raw bars a day at best.

The very same evening Chiara left I.C.U., all of her friends decided to spend evening in at Donahue's again. Sienna spent last fourteen days at home, not being able to work with a broken leg and Jackie with Elijah came straight home after their shifts. But tonight, they let themselves feel certain bliss of normalcy and met at the bar. Aurora was already waiting for them and Danny decided to join them too.

"Shouldn't Bryce already be here?"

"I'm sure he will come any minute now."

They ordered beer for everyone and tried to talk about work, about their patients, about anything but Chiara's still critical condition. Not too long after their order arrived, Bryce walked in and after long time, he looked like himself, smiling brightly while winking at the group of interns.

"Whoa there, scalpel jockey. Enjoying yourself? Did someone make you feel so cheerful?"

Jackie furrowed her brows at him.

"Oh you better believe someone did," he smirked.

"That's why you are late?"

"Exactly. I needed to check one very particular woman's chest, in case you need details."

"Ugh, no thanks, Lahela."

"I waited for Kyra's surgery results," he rolled his eyes. "I wanted to make sure I got it right before spilling the news."

"Are you saying-"

"Yes! The surgery worked! I mean, she's going to be in so much pain for the next few weeks, but the chances of recovery are amazingly high and the cancer is gone."

Sienna started to cry and even Jackie's eyes shimmered with tears.

"Holy crap, so there are still good news available in this world," Elijah sighed and finished his beer. "We are drinking to that. And we should let Rafael know. He might be on the other side of the States, but he still cares, right? Oh I am actually feeling happy right now. Have you talked to her?"

"I haven't. I thought we should all talk to her together tomorrow, since she still doesn't know about Chiara. I know we needed to protect her before the surgery, but she needs to know now. Will you go with me?"

Everyone nodded, except Aurora who sighed: "I don't think Carrick will let me switch shifts. But you guys say hi from me and tell her that I'll come to see her on Saturday."

"Sure thing."

They ordered another round of beer and for the first time in what felt like forever, they didn't feel the heavy stone on their chest. They felt victory.

Later that night, as the young doctors leaving the bar allowed themselves to laugh at some stupid joke Bryce said, Dr. Ramsey laid on the not so comfortable couch, scotch in his hand, looking at the ceiling above him. He missed her. The sound she would make when she cracked some particularly difficult case. The laugh when she teased him. The smile she saved for him and only for him. He missed even her temper that could drive him crazy at the times. Without giving it a second thought, he unlocked his phone and opened the Pictogram app. He needed to see her with her eyes open. He needed to see her full of life. Clicking at her profile transferred him into completely different world, the one where she laughed on the beach, smiled proudly with diploma in her hand, posed for a selfie with her roommates. He scrolled to the end of her feed and starting to observe the photos from the oldest one to the last one she posted. He swallowed hard when he realized that she posted the photo only few hours before the crash, smiling carelessly into the camera with her friends surrounding her. The photo was clearly taken at the concert they attended. She looked so happy, so relaxed, so very much alive. He just kept looking at the photo, memorizing every single detail about her, imagining she was still there, dancing to music and laughing with people she loved. And there it was. After all, Ethan felt a single tear streaming down his cheek.

~

Days passed in some bizarre blur, summer nights turned into ashy evenings of fall, sun gracing city of Boston with its presence only exceptionally. It was exactly one month since the accident and as the end of his shift arrived, Dr. Ramsey found himself sitting next to Chiara's bed again. It became some kind of bittersweet routine for him to come to her room anytime he could and talk to her about work. Chiara was actually doing good, considering everything. Her lungs worked perfectly, her broken spine was slowly but surely healing. Her brain's swelling was gone now, however the brain itself wasn't working the way it should, putting her into state of coma.

"Mrs. Potter is going home tomorrow, the treatment worked exquisitely. I wish you could see the face of her son when we told him she would be okay. I think even Baz had tears in his eyes when the little boy hugged him."

Ethan realized quite well that what he was doing was stupid and he laughed at himself for being this pathetic. But it helped him keep her sanity, so he came everyday and talked to her about every single patient.

"I almost yelled at Hirata today, though. She asked if I was looking for someone else to take your place at the team. I mean, what the fuck is she thinking?"

Repeating the scene with June Hirata in his head made him wrathful all over again.

"She just kept saying that the team needs the fourth member to work. I told her that we were fine, with Naveen helping us when there's too many difficult cases. But she was really determined and I couldn't listen to her, so I snapped at her, I told her to shut the fuck up. It was... intense. Definitely not my proudest moment but what else could I do? How would I even offer the position? 'Hello, we need a new member for our diagnostics team. The only problem is that we have no idea for how long we can provide the spot for you. Maybe for two weeks, maybe for two years, maybe we'll keep you for good. Nobody knows.' Huh? No one would even accept such position. Listen Rookie. I know I've been telling you the other day that you should take your time and heal, but life is pretty hard without you, so could you wake up? Could you do this one last favor for me and just wake up? Please?"

~

Elijah, Sienna and Jackie were standing next to the nurse station, too deep into the debate to notice someone watching them.

"...what are we going to do? I tried to talk to Farley but he said that he couldn't afford to lose those money. It's been five weeks since the accident which makes two checks. And none of us actually has that much spare money."

"We don't have that much even if we put our savings together."

"Should we call her mum?"

Sienna asked nervously, biting her lip.

"Nope, that poor woman is going through hell. We'll find a way, okay? We could ask Aurora."

"Mass Kenmore has cut its budget just like Edenbrook. She basically works for free now."

"We'll figure it out guys, okay? We always figure it out somehow. I gotta go, but I promise to find a solution."

The three of them went their separate ways, Jackie determined to get some coffee from the cafeteria.

"Dr. Varma? Could I talk to you for a second?"

Ramsey's voice snapped her our of not so bright thoughts and she turned on her heel to face him.

"Yeah? Is something wrong with Chiara?"

"No change. It's just... I didn't mean to eavesdrop... well..."

"Get to the point, Dr. Ramsey."

Despite feeling anxious and nervous for the past few days, she found some weird sense of satisfaction on how the tables have turned now. She still remembered clearly how he said those exact words to her in her intern year.

"Right, sorry. Look, I heard you talking about Chiara and some money problems. I understand that it's... rather difficult for you to pay for her checks?"

Jackie raised her eyebrow, surprised, but didn't deny what he said. She nodded and let him continue.

"I don't mean to offense any of you by my offer, but would you let me pay for her checks? I've been second year resident once and I know how much you get paid. And I know that Dr. Ray's mother is going through a lot. Paying for your apartment is, well, no problem for me and I would like to help at least this way."

"Wow, I expected you to talk to me about that woman who can't stop vomiting in the room 232. Look, Dr. Ramsey, what you are offering is really nice and, uhm, surprising, coming from you, but I am not sure it would be appropriate."

"Consider it a loan, then. When Chiara wakes up and gets her life together again, she can pay me back."

"I need to talk to my roommates about that, it's not my decision to make after all. Thank you for the offer, though."

"Okay. I'll be happy to help. Oh and Dr. Varma?"

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry for how I acted the night of the accident. I yelled at you and that was wrong."

"It's okay, Dr. Ramsey. We've all got our ways of dealing with pain."

With that she left, leaving Ethan alone with his thoughts. He automatically turned towards Chiara's room and after the door closed after him, he started to talk.

"It's not work today. I just need to let this out. I miss you, Chiara. I really miss you. It's gotten to the point where I just keep staring at your photos and hope that it could wake you up. I never confessed to you about the photo I have of you. After the first night we spent together, day before your ethic trial, you sat on the floor in my apartment, wearing one of my shirts, reading some random history book you found. I was making some coffee for the both of us, watching you from the distance and in that moment I couldn't resist the urge to take photo of you. So I did. And I was too embarassed to admit it to you, that I found you beautiful and wanted to have the moment immortalized. I never found the strenght to delete the photo though. And now that you are here, I find myself looking at the damn photo every day, not believing that I was once lucky enough to have you in my shirt reading my book in my apartment. I really miss you. And I can keep missing you, knowing that it won't last forever, knowing that you'll wake up. I can handle missing you as long as I have hope."

He indeed did sound desperate. He never even believed in hope. But after the long weeks without her, feeling only fear, allowing himself to feel something as pathetic as hope was enahncing.


	4. The Talk

Ethan woke up from yet another nightmare, cold sweat sending shivers down his spine. Ever since Chiara's accident, the nightmares kept creeping back into his sleep, making it almost impossible to actually rest. It was 5 AM but since he knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, he decided to workout a little bit in hospital's gym and use gym's shower while he was at it. He missed the comfort of his own apartment, but couldn't stand the idea of going home with no one watching over Chiara here at the hospital. So he kept sleeping in his office, using gym's shower and eating whatever a vending machine had to offer at the moment. He let out a humorless laugh when he remembered Naveen's olden words that Ethan would move into the hospital one day. This situation was not what he had in mind back then.

After running on a treadmill for 40 minutes, trying to run away from the fear that consumed every cell of his body, fear that he would never hear Chiara's laugh again, refreshing shower and short conversation with an old lady that couldn't find Cardiology, he walked in into the diagnostic office, June and Baz already inside, going through a file together.

"What do we have there?" Ethan asked as he put some other files on the desk.

"Woman, 60 years old, sharp chest pain, fever, troubles when swallowing. She was admitted an hour ago."

"Pericartidis?" Ethan asked without even sitting down to go through the file.

"No, the ultrasound already ruled that one out. I already ordered blood test," June replied, trying to sound neutral, but the tension between her and Ethan was still obvious, leaving Baz in rather uncomfortable position.

"Okay, I'll go talk to her," Ethan nodded and left the office.

He didn't mind talking to his patients, quite opposite, but he knew Chiara was much better at it and that it would be her talking to the patient now, if only she was there. He entered the patient's room still deep in his thoughts and without thinking about it twice - he did it all the time after all - greeted the woman lying on the bed without even looking at her.

"Hello, I am Dr. Ramsey and I'll be taking care of you while you are here, Mrs.-"

He stopped abruptly, frowning at the name written on the chart. He had to blink several times to make sure that he is reading it right, that his sleep-deprived mind is not playing tricks on him and only then he looked at the woman lying in front of him. His eyes widened at the realization, the absurdity of situation getting down on him. He was shocked and surprised and so full of anger at the same time, but finally he found his ability to stay calm and distant and with the flat voice, he simply asked: "What are you doing here?"

"I was admitted with chest pain and fever."

"That much I know. I am asking what are you doing _here_ , in Edenbrook of all the places? There are plenty of hospitals that would treat you."

"Ethan please. We need to talk."

"No we don't."

"Ethan, listen to me-"

"I said no."

Ethan tried his hardest to stay calm, to be the doctor and nothing but the doctor, but the anger built in his body was suddenly stronger than any other feeling and he felt himself losing it all. The next second, he was almost shouting.

"How dare you to use his name? _My_ name? You left us 26 years ago and now you are telling me that I need to listen to you? I've seen my father crying himself to sleep for months, because he couldn't imagine his life without you. And then, after I made sure that he was asleep and safe, I cried myself to sleep because I has no idea what did I do wrong for you to leave us. You left your child, you left a little boy without any sort of explanation. I always tried so hard to be a good son, I worked hard at school, I cooked with dad and helped you garden, I never asked for much and still you decided that I wasn't good enough for you to stick with me and left like a coward! Dad might have forgiven you, but I never will. I was a child. A _child_! I needed a home, I needed love and security and all I ever got was wrecked father and feelings of self-hatred. Because no matter how hard I tried, my own mother left me without goodbye. I never trust anyone, because how could I? I push people away before they can push _me_ away. I am not able to love someone because you made me feel like love didn't exist."

"Ethan, please-" 

"Don't please me here. I don't give a single damn about what you have to say. For 25 years I felt unworthy of love, I felt like a failure, I felt like everyone will leave me eventually. And when finally someone comes and for the first time in all those years makes me feel like I might be worth of their love, I am not able to love them back because I fucking forgot what love felt like. And now she could die any second-"

He stopped, realizing at his outburst wasn't leading to some point, ashamed of himself for even letting the emotions out. He could do better. They stared at each other for a long time, neither of them breaking the silence that filled the room. He tried to see some familiarity in her eyes, he tried to remember the best memory from his childhood that could maybe, just maybe make everything feel a little bit better, but all he could recall was the pain in his father's eyes and the empty feeling in his chest.

"I am sorry, Ethan. I am truly and honestly sorry." Mrs. Ramsey broke the silence after all.

"Save it for someone who cares. I'll get you another doctor."

Without any other word, he left the room. He felt the need to punch something rise in him, the need so strong that he locked the door of the nearest supply closet and smashed the wall so hard that some of the plastering fell off. And then again and again, Ethan kept hitting the wall with intensity that could cause serious injuries if it was a person instead of a wall. His knuckles started to bleed and it was enough for him to calm his own breathing, collect himself and get out of the tiny space.

On his way to office, he decided to invite Naveen over for dinner, the strong urge to finally share his feelings with someone supporting the decision. Just as he found Naveen's name on contact list and was about to dial, he spotted group of interns chatting near the nurses' station, the last sentence catching his attention.

"You think they'll make another competetion for interns to get the spot when she dies?"

He stopped in his tracks and with gritted teeth listened what they had to say next.

"I don't know," the tall, blonde guy shrugged, "but I am definitely not willing to sleep with Ramsey to win."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Everyone knows that Ray fucked Ramsey to get the spot in diagnostics team. She is average doctor, at best, so I guess she must be outstanding in bed."

Ethan's fists clenched at his side and without thinking, he moved forward to throw a fist into the asshole's face. However, before actually moving, he was stopped once again, staring wide eyed at the scene unfolding in front of him. Dr. Varma, apparently hearing the conversation too, stepped in front of the blonde intern and with blades in her eyes, she asked: "What did you say?"

"I...ugh... nothing! What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, asshole. At least stand up for what you said."

Ethan could see that the boy was shocked and maybe even embarassed, but after few seconds he grinned and repeated what he said earlier. "So you're saying that it's not true? That Dr. Ray slept with Dr. Ramsey to get the spot?"

"What I am saying is," she hissed through gritted teeth, "if I ever hear you talking about Dr. Ray this way, I will _personally_ fuck whomever it takes to have you kicked out of this hospital. Even if it's Banerji himself."

Despite feeling so much anger, Ethan had to chuckle at the idea of Naveen being seduced by woman that charming and that scary. Heck, looking at the scene, even he was terrified of the young doctor. Jackie turned on her high heels and started to walk away when she noticed Ethan staring at her. She grinned, waved at him and disappeard in the patient's room.

~

Being in his own apartment didn't bring him half as much comfort as he thought it would. He enjoyed cooking in his own kitchen, using his own shower, listening to piano compound rolling peacefully from his phonograph, filling the whole apartment with soft tunes. The evening could be perfect if not for his frequent need to check his phone in case something changed with Chiara. Exactly at 7 PM, soft knock on his door interrupted him while setting the table.

"Naveen, hi. Thank you for coming."

Dr. Banerji smiled softly as he entered the apartment, handing a bottle of red wine to Ethan.

"I am glad to be here. I missed talking to you."

Ethan couldn't help but feel slightly ashamed at Naveen's word, realizing very well that for the past few weeks, he didn't do much to preserve their friendship.

"I'm just surprised you are not spending another night in the hospital," Naveen added.

"You've noticed."

"Of course I have. So, what made you change your mind?"

"Rafael Aveiro is back in Boston for three days and he asked me if he could stay with Chiara tonight. It puts my mind in ease knowing that someone is by her side."

There was no point in lying. Naveen could see through Ethan and he would know he was not telling the truth. They sat down and started to eat in silence, Ethan forcing himself to take at least few bites of the food he made.

"I am sorry for being so distant Naveen," Ethan broke the silence with statement, trying to put all the sincerity into his words.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I understand that life is hard on you right now. I heard from Dr. Hirata that your mother is in hospital?"

With a long sigh, Ethan put the fork down, knowing that he's done with eating. After short hesitation, he nodded and told Naveen everything, from being angry at June for wanting to replace Chiara to meeting his mother and spilling his heart to her before he could stop.

"It seems to me, Ethan, and don't get angry now, that you haven't made your peace with the situation at all."

"Which situation?"

"Your mother leaving. Your mother reaching back. Neither of them."

There was a long silence as Ethan let Naveen's work sink in. When he spoke again, his voice was almost whisper.

"I can't make my peace. She ruined me."

"You are not ruined, Ethan."

"Oh but I am. I push people away because I am scared of them leaving. I despise love, because I am scared of feeling something so transient, so conditional. It all happened because of her and it keeps ruining my life, now more than ever."

"I take it you are not talking solely about your mother now?"

Ethan looked at his mentor, not knowing what to do. Telling him the truth about Chiara would mean confessing that there is the truth to reveal in the first place. That there are feelings he is trying to hide even from himself. And what if Naveen would judge him for falling for his intern, his protége? But again, Naveen observed and analyzed people all his life, he probably knew already.

"It's Chiara. I care for the woman so much it hurts me physically sometimes. She is not only brilliant doctor, she is such extraordinary person I just keep wondering how does one like her even exist. And I know I am hurting her by pushing her away, but it's the only right way."

Naveen was smiling knowingly at Ethan and at the same time, his heart was breaking at the sight in front of him.

"And what makes you think so?"

"Because I am not able to love, Naveen and she deserves someone who will love her. And even if she thinks she loves me, the moment one of her conditions for loving me abolish, she'll stop feeling that way."

"You keep avoiding unconditional love like a plague, but it actually exists, Ethan. Listen to me now and listen very carefully. Chiara always stuck with you, even when you were very persistent in pushing her away. When she found out about my illness and kept it hidden from her friends even though they share everything. That's love. When she spent her free time with you, trying to diagnose me, with you being, well, an asshole. That's love. When you left the hospital and shut yourself off at the times she needed you most and she still found her way to talk to you and make sure you're okay. That's love. When she found the cure for me, but didn't tell you until she was absolutely sure, because she wanted to save you a heartbreak in case she wasn't right? When you accepted your position in Edenbrook back without ever telling her and she was happy for you? When you left to Brazil and didn't talk to her for two months even though you knew it hurt her? Oh, my boy, even if she had any conditions for loving you, you made sure to ruin every single one of them and still, she did never hesitate to show you she cares. What conditions for loving her do you have? Being a brilliant doctor? Showing her affection? Pushing you to be better? All the things she did until the accident? Because right now, she offers you none of those things and yet, look at yourself, sleeping in the hospital every night to make sure she is okay. Talking to her daily, hoping it could get her brain started. Never leaving her side for the three days after the surgery. Crap, you didn't even sleep in the hospital for me!" Naveen laughed before taking a sip of his wine and continuing. "What you are doing is unconditional, Ethan boy. It's the very same unconditional love which existence you recant so much. And don't give me this incredulous look now. I remember very clearly that one call I received from you when you were in Brazil."

"Which call?"

"The one that came in the middle of the night. You were obviously very drunk and you were crying. I never heard you cry before, but even through the phone I could hear the sobs escaping you very clearly. And you just kept repeating that you loved her, that you loved her and had to leave because you loved her. That you even wrote her 'a damn poem'. Not once have you mentioned who "she" is, but I am not that old or stupid."

Horror run through Ethan's face as he recalled blurred memories of the night. He was indeed very drunk and the damn poem was the proof that Naveen was telling the truth, but Ethan didn't remember anything about the call.

Everything Naveen has said was slowly settling in and the voice in his head, now more clear than ever, kept repeating the new truth.

_I love her._

_Fuck, I really love the woman_.

Instead of admitting it to Naveen, he frowned and said: "Even if it was true, it doesn't matter. I am her mentor, her boss and so there's no way we could work as a couple."

Naveen laughed again, Ethan's mind and his morals never stopping to amaze him.

"Oh please. You wouldn't be first nor the last to maintain such relationship. You two kids love each other already and it doesn't affect your work anyhow, so what difference would it make if you allowed yourselves to actually be happy? Sure, Chiara's reputation could take a hit, but I think the two of you would be able not to make it too public until she is an attending, wouldn't you? It's not illegal."

"But it is immoral. Unethical."

"Look, Ethan, you can be ethical and wretched, or you can change the way your morals work and actually find happiness, after all those years."

~

Nine days after his dinner with Naveen, Dr. Ramsey decided to spend his lunch break in Chiara's room, telling her about the newest patient. He stood by the window, looking at the street below him, hands in his pocket as he talked about the man whose nose bleeding was so extensive it made him faint. When he got to the ideas about what could cause such odd bleeding, the device monitoring Chiara's brain activity started to beep somehow more frequently. Ethan didn't pay any attention to it - it happened on daily basis now, showing that her brain actually still works, only not enough for her to wake up just yet.

"...we ruled the brain tumor out but it could-"

"Hurts.... head.... hurts.... hurts."

He turned around and in two steps got back to Chiara's bed, his wide eyes showing broad spectrum of emotions, from disbelief to relief to fear to shock. He leaned over Chiara so that he could see and hear everything perfectly, and really, she was trying to open her eyes while wincing painfully.

"Shh, it's okay, I am here. I am right here. Let me just page others," Ethan put his doctor expression on and with trembling fingers paged other doctors.

"My head hurts," Chiara let out, her words so silent he almost didn't hear.

"Does it hurt when you try to open your eyes?"

She nodded.

"Okay, keep them closed. Does it hurt when you are talking to me?"

"My throat... sore.." He took her hand between his own and started to draw soothing circles on her skin with his thumb.

"It's okay, everything's okay. Your eyes need to adjust to the light. Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Chiara Ray."

"Wonderful. Do you remember what your job is?"

"I am a doc... doctor."

"You are doing great, Chiara. Keep going. Could you try to open your eyes now?"

Chiara's eyelids fluttered and she had to blink several times, but she managed to keep her eyes open for a while.

"Perfect. Now, can you tell who I am? Do you remember me?"

She even managed to create a small smile before saying: "Ethan Jonah Ramsey. Unforgettable."

Ethan's heart skipped a beat at her words and all he wanted to do was to take her into his arms and hold her, tell her how much he missed her and how sorry he was, but the moment was interrupted by Baz, June and Harper Emery entering the room, their expressions shocked.

"When did she wake up?"

"Four minutes ago. No memory loss."

"Where does it hurt, Chiara?" It was Dr. Emery, already poking into one of Chiara's legs. "Can you feel this?"

"Yes, but the legs hurt. And head. And my back. It all hurts so much."

Harper looked at Ethan and nodded. "No paralysis."

"It's natural for your body to hurt now, Chiara. We will run all the tests we can and monitor your functions to make sure you'll heal properly. Do you recall what happened?"

"Not really," Chiara said, closing her eyes again, not being able to bear so much light. "I remember driving... driving home and that's it."

"Okay, you need to rest," June stepped into the discussion. "Keep your eyes closed, don't move, rest. We'll come with a treatment and recovery plan for you soon."

Chiara nodded and all the doctors started to leave the room. As he was leaving, Ethan squeezed Chiara's hand and whispered: "I'll be here as soon as I can."

~

As evening fell over the city of Boston, Chiara Ray finally didn't feel like her head would explode everytime she opened her eyes. She was now laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for some other doctor to come and examine her. When the door opened, she didn't even have to look to know who entered the room, his scent so unique she would recognize it anywhere.

"Hey," she smiled softly. "Another test?"

"I came to check how you were doing."

"I need to know if my friends are okay. Someone should finally talk to me."

Everytime she asked about her friends, the girls sitting in the car that night, she would be stopped and told to rest. At first, she was so confused and in so much pain it didn't really startle her, but now, feeling much better, the not knowing was torturing her.

"They are all alright. You were the only one seriously injured."

"Can I see them?"

"Not now, no. You have to take this slowly. They'll come to see you tomorrow. Right now, you really need to rest."

"From what you told me, I've been resting for the last seven weeks."

"This is not the right time for jokes, Chiara. It's miracle you are alive and this well at the moment, but it will cost you a lot of strenght and dedication to heal. You basically need to learn to walk again. And for that, you need to rest."

She turned at him, finally taking a good look at him, observing every detail.

"Look who's talking. What about you? Which musketeer are you audiencing for with that beard and those hair? Athos?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You don't know The Three Musketeers?"

"No."

Even though she still felt physically miserable, she couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes at him.

"Okay, well you could also play Sirius Black after he ran away from Azkaban."

"Who again?"

"Don't tell me you don't know Harry Potter."

Ethan sat down on the chair next to her bed and shrugged.

"I don't, obviously."

"God, you're hopeless. So, what is it going on in your life that made you look like this?" 

She knew something was going on, even if she didn't pay attention on his appearence, his eyes screamed that he was in pain.

"Nothing serious. Just a lot of work. It's not important now. What is important is you getting better, that's why you are not allowed questions today. Don't put too much pressure on yourself already."

"Come closer," she told him softly and he leaned over her, looking straight into her eyes. She reached for his hair, wincing with pain as she lifted her hand.

"Closer," she repeated and he got closer, so close that he could see how her green eyes turn into colour of rosin around her pupils. His breath got stuck in his throat, because damn, even now she was the most intriguing woman he's ever laid his eyes on.

"Ramsey, is this a gray hair I see here?" she whispered and chuckled.

Ethan closed his eyes, trying his hardest to maintain serious, professional face, but hearing her chuckle made him let out soft laugh too.

"You are really stepping over the line here, Rookie."

"Of course I am. Seriously though, Ethan. What is going on? You look even worse than I do and that's almost impossible at the moment."

Her voice was caring and he couldn't bring himself to pull away from her. But he had to, after all, so he sat down back on his chair, holding her hand from there.

"It's really nothing Chiara, just work. I am down to a member of my team after all, remember?"

She knew he was hiding something enormous, but it was too soon to push him into telling her. She would have plenty of time for that.

He wanted to tell her everything and he knew she sensed his lies. But at this time, her recovery was the most important thing to him and he didn't want to put that at risk. He knew he would have plenty of time to tell her everything.


	5. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! With this chapter, the story is halfway through. I thought I would be able to finish the series before OHSY returns, but now that I know that the return date is September 5, I am sure I will not be able to finish it until then. Hope it does not really bother you.  
> Also, I know this chapter is super long but I just couldnt make myself to write it shorter. The next one will be short, promise!  
> Enjoy x

The sky over Boston was already dark, bustle of the hospital slowing down, doctors checking their patients one more time before going home. Dr. Ethan Ramsey haven't changed his position much in the past few hours, sitting on the chair next to Chiara, holding her hand. It surprised her, when he reached for her hand, but she didn't show it and didn't try to protest, silently enjoying his touch. Little did she know that for the past 7 weeks, Ethan's held her hand every day, praying that she could feel him, trying to wake her up by gently squeezing it. Holding her hand became so natural to him that he didn't even think about doing it anymore.

The room was silent most of the time - Chiara's voice was still weak and it hurt her to talk and Ethan didn't want to overwhelm her with too much information or too much noise he would make by talking and so they just kept holding their hands and swam through their own thoughts.

"Don't your patients need you?" Chiara broke the silence when she realized that it's dark outside and therefore it must be pretty late.

"You are my patient too," Ethan grinned.

She smiled at the remark, but her natural curiosity didn't allow her to stop asking.

"I mean your other patients. Pretty sure I am not the only one."

"My shift ended two and half hours ago, the moment I walked through the door to see you."

Chiara raised her eyebrows in yet another surprise and looked him straight into the eyes.

"What are you doing here then? Go home. Sleep. Drink whiskey. I am not exactly good companion at the moment."

"I waited seven weeks for you to wake up, I am not leaving the moment it happens. Your condition seems to be surprisingly good, but the first hours after waking up can show many complications and I want to be here in case something goes wrong."

_I also missed your eyes. And your voice. And this smile._

He never said any of that out loud.

"What about Jenner?"

"Jenner has been staying at my dad's place for the past few days," he shrugged.

_53 days, to be exact._

Chiara closed her eyes and didn't say anything else for a long moment. Her head hurt terribly and she hated the fact that she couldn't really move, besides her hands. She wanted to lay on her side so that she could see Ethan better. She wanted to ask about her friends, about Kyra, about new patients, about Ethan's dad but she felt so weak, so wounded that she couldn't bring herself to actually talk. Realizing that she should be thankful to be alive made her feel even worse for feeling sorry for herself, but damn, she did feel sorry for herself. She has always been the one helping others, not the one needing help. She was a doctor, not a patient. Suddenly, she felt hot tears streaming down her face as the toughts about her own uselessness ate her up.

"Hey, what is it, Chiara? Are you in pain? Why are you crying?"

Ethan's brows furrowed and his voice sounded alarmed.

"I hate being like this. To depend on others so much. I am not even able to take a shower on my own."

"Oh Chiara," he whispered, his voice softest she's ever heard it. "You literally just woke up from coma. You survived crash that should've been deadly. Stop putting so much pressure at yourself. You are doing great and soon you'll be walking through this hospital and saving others, being the great doctor you are."

"Please, Ethan, leave me alone," she couldn't stop crying. "Go home and get some sleep. I'm not your responsibilty and I cannot be your burden."

He squeezed the hand he was holding and with the other one cupped her cheek, looking at her with those ocean blue eyes as if he could see her soul with them.

"I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that you are alone feeling like this. I care about you, Chiara. Not because you are my patient now, but because you are Chiara Ray. You are tired. Close your eyes and try to sleep, okay? I'll go to sleep once you are sleeping."

"I am sorry for not being stronger," she whispered.

"You are incredibly strong and I am proud of you, Rookie."

With that, he ran his thumb along her cheekbone, causing the spots he touched flush brightly. He watched her as she closed her eyes and smiled at his words and his touch, the warm feeling filling his chest at the sight. Soon, her breath became more even, signalizing that she was sound asleep and he could leave now. But he just couldn't. Right at the moment, she looked exactly the same as those past weeks, almost lifeless. But knowing that in matter of few hours, she will surely wake up, she will speak and maybe even smile, it filled him with so much energy that he knew he'd be able to watch her all night.

~

The next morning, only seconds after the nurse came to check on Chiara, the door to her room opened again and in walked Dr. Banerji, his smile so bright it could light up the whole room.

"Chief Banerji! Such pleasure to see you," Chiara smiled, her throat finally allowing her to talk without a burning feeling.

"Let's stick with Naveen, shall we, dear?"

Chiara nodded and observed the older man, as he made himself comfortable on the chair next to her head.

"I am beyond happy to see you alive and well, Chiara. I was sincerely scared when I heard what happened to you. We all were."

"Sorry for the scare," Chiara smiled. "So what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh, I just wanted to see you and tell you that, in the name of the whole hospital, I am relieved to see you in this condition. Also, Ethan asked me to check on you. He's taken a half day off, running some errands."

"I hope one of the errands is getting a haircut," Chiara muttered under her breath, causing Naveen to laugh whole-heartedly.

"So you've noticed his new image!

"It's impossible not to," Chiara grinned. "Seriously now. What is going on with him, Naveen? He told me that he's been super busy with work since I can't help the team at the moment, but that's BS."

"Oh, so that's what he told you?"

"What is he keeping from me?"

"It's not my place to tell you all the events happening in his life. He'll told you when he feels like doing so. What I can tell you is what I observed. Ever since your accident, Ethan spent exactly one night in his apartment and even then he made sure that the Aveiro boy would keep you company. All the other nights, well, he either slept in his office or he just sat here next to you through the whole night. He wanted to be close by in case something changes with you. And when he found out about the crash, I had to literally hold him to stop him from running straight into the O.R. He was so scared, so worried and mostly so, so hopeless."

Chiara kept looking at the ceiling, motionless, absorbing every word she's just heard.

_He did all of that for me? He's destroying himself because he was scared about... me?_

As if Naveen could read her mind, he continued: "I am not telling you all of this to make you feel bad, Chiara. I just think it's fair for you to know and knowing Ethan, he would never mention it. But I know him and even though the beard and the awful hair, making him look like some kind of Robinson Crusoe, since you woke up, I finally see the sparks in his eyes. The eyes are finally his eyes again and I know it's because it's you who brings the sparks."

"I don't know Naveen... I know he cares about me and damn, I care about him just as much, but it never seems to be enough."

Naveen smiled softly at the young doctor in front of him, mix of anger and sadness showing on her face at the mention of Ethan's behavior.

"Young love is complicated, but you kids will find your way. I have to go, Dr. Hirata is waiting for me - I'm helping with the team from time to time now. And surely your friends can't wait to see you. But I'll come again, okay? Be well, Chiara."

"Thank you, Naveen. For the visit. For the talk. I appreciate that."

Dr. Banerji simply nodded, squeezed Chiara's hand and left the room, leaving her with her even more confused thoughts.

It didn't last long, though. Just as she called Ethan 'handsome idiot' in her head, the door opened again and soon the room was almost full. Sienna kneeled next to Chiara's bed with tears already in her eyes, Elijah's smile reminded her the one Naveen's had when he came in, Jackie was smiling at the end of Chiara's bed and even Aurora, her civil clothes on, came to sit on the chair next to Sienna.

"Hey guys," Chiara smiled thankfully at each one of them. "It's good to see you. No one wanted to give me any information and I was so worried about you."

"We were worried about you!" Sienna sniffed. "Oh Chiara we are so happy that you woke up."

"I am sorry for the crash. For not handling the situation well," she whispered. "Sorry for your car, Sienna."

"Please, stop with this. It was not your fault at all. And we are all totally fine!"

"What about the other driver? Ramsey didn't want to tell me anything. Did he...?"

"No, he's alive," Jackie responded before Chiara could vocalize the word 'die'. "The bastard was drunk as fuck and I hope he's having a hard time in jail."

Chiara's eyes went wide and she got pale at the mention of drunken driver almost killing her. All of the memories of her father's and brother's dead bodies she had to identify because her mother couldn't do it on her own, of the funeral where she felt so empty that she didn't shed a single tear and the breakdown that came 9 days after the funeral, when the truth finally downed at her and she knew, she finally felt that they weren't coming back, that she would never annoy her brother and that her dad would never call her just to tell her how proud he was of her. And all of that just because someone didn't want to spend his money on taxi.

"I am sorry if that was insensitive," Jackie added, noticing Chiara's expression.

"Nope, it's okay," she smiled faintly and quickly asked about their injuries, needing to change the topic. None of them knew about her family history and she wanted to keep it that way as long as she could. Just a moment before she could ask about Keiki and why Bryce wasn't with them, the door opened again, revealing Bryce Lahela with the brightest smile, pushing wheelchair with Kyra sitting on it.

"I see the party started without us? Shame on you all!" He smiled even wider, if that was even possible.

Kyra grinned at his remark and from what she could see, Chiara had to say that she looked actually good. The only thing that was different than what she remembered, was a nose tube now decorating her face.

"Look at you, doctor. You look awful."

"Well thank you very much Kyra," Chiara grinned back. "You, on the other hand, look pretty good."

"What can I say. Being officialy cancer free feels freaking wonderful."

"What?!" Chiara felt like she screamed, altough her voice was still too weak for such sound.

"I've had the surgery a month ago. Thanks to this handsome man," she looked up at Bryce, her smile changing a little from grin to actual smile, "the surgery worked and I am recovering. I bet I'll be out of the hospital before you."

"I honestly wish you were right. My physical therapy starts this afternoon and it all depends on how soon my legs are going to work again. And my spine. I don't really expect any more complications but who knows, they are running so many test on me... However I really want to see you out of this hospital gown, Kyra."

The atmosphere in the room was light, laughter bouncing off the walls, something neither of then felt for such a long time. They finally knew that everything would be okay. Chiara asked about interesting patients she missed, about Phoebe and Danny, how's Jackie's babysitting going and somehow, in the middle of the chat, Sienna admitted that Ethan Ramsey paid for Chiara's rent.

"He did _what_?" Chiara asked shocked and touched at the same time.

"He heard us talking about it once, when Farley kept pushing us to pay and we didn't know how exactly we should do that, because well we aren't rich and then Dr. Ramsey approached Jackie and offered to pay for your part and at first we really, really didn't want to accept that but all the other options were much worse. So we agreed and so yeah... he paid."

"Holy crap," Chiara whispered, not knowing what else to say. So he's been staying with her while she was in coma, he'd been worried about her and he's been paying for the apartment. What else should she expect? And why didn't he tell her any of that?

~

The first physical therapy session was a disaster. After two hours of exercise of all kinds, all she could so was to lift her right leg a little bit. For two seconds at best. She didn't expect to be able to walk right away, but she hoped to feel stronger. At least the doctor confirmed that her spine was healed properly and allowed her to try to sit or lay on her side for a few minutes a day, as long as it wasn't too painful.

And so that was what she was doing. Sitting on her bed, playing with the hem of her sheets, tears of frustration slowly streaming down her face. The soft knock on the door disturbed her thoughts and when she noticed who came in, she murmured: "Go away."

"Umm, I am sorry but it doesn't work that way."

"Ethan, please. Leave me alone."

"I am a doctor checking on my patient, you can't just send me away."

Chiara rolled her eyes and tried to wipe the tears before Ethan could notice them.

"Did you come to ask how's the therapy going? It's awful. I am weak as fuck, my legs don't feel like mine, everything hurts and I am spending at least two weeks here. And then maybe I will be able to walk with a cane. So I am going to be absolutely useless consumer of air for at least another month."

"Come on, Chiara," Ethan caressed her cheek, his brows furrowed with worry. "You are so hard on yourself, expecting to be back to your old self immediately. But you have to take it one step at a time, quite literally now. You are doing amazing. Look at yourself, sitting!"

"Yeah, great. I am able to sit for, like, 10 minutes. Such accomplishment."

"It is. Look Chiara, I get that you feel like you are wasting the time of others and yours too, but considering everything, this situation couldn't be better."

"Whatever," she shrugged, returning her attention to the sheets.

"I actually came to tell you that your mom and Alicia are coming to see you tomorrow morning."

She turned her head to him, her mouth open and eyes wide from surprise.

"You called my mother?"

"Well yes, we had to let her know that you woke up."

"How do you know my sister's name?"

"Your mum mentioned it and it stuck with me. I have uncommonly good memory," he shrugged.

"When did you even talk about my sister?" Chiara was confused and shocked and angry for not knowing a single thing about these past weeks.

"She came to see you the day after your surgery. Naveen called her to let her know what happened and she came as soon as she could. She talked to Harper about the surgery and then we talked a little bit about your chances of recovery. She only came for few hours back then."

Chiara imagined her crying mother leaning against Ethan's broad chest, imagined how the talk went and with all those pictures in her head, suddenly it clicked.

"She told you, right? About my dad and Liam? About their accident. That's why you didn't tell me that the drunken driver caused my accident as well."

He sighed and looked away from her, but nodded.

"You need to put all of your energy into your recovery and mental health is enormous part of your well-being. I didn't want to put a distress on your mind, knowing that it could cause huge setback on your journey. I am sorry for keeping that from you, but your health comes first."

"I can handle it," she replied, anger visible in her eyes. Ethan simply nodded, not knowing what else to say. After a while of heavy silence, he couldn't stop himself from whispering.

"I wish you told me."

"About what?"

"About your past. Your family. About such tragedy in your life."

"I couldn't. I hate the idea of people pitying me. I want people to respect me for what I do, not for what happened to me. I want them to see me as I am, not to have their judgment blinded by the story of the girl with dead father and brother. It was not personal, not telling you. I never told anyone, my roommates, my friends, no one. The only person who knows about that is Bryce Lahela. The others only know that I've been through some shit and that I don't talk about it."

_She told Lahela but she never told me._

_Not that I can blame her. I bet Lahela never pushes her away._

_But still, she knows I am there for her, no matter what._

His self-destructive thoughts were stopped by her remark.

"Anyway, I see you didn't get the role. Sorry for that."

She noticed the moment he came in that he finally shaved and had his haircut done and it made her heart flutter, seeing him like that again, but instead of showing him how much she liked it, she decided that teasing him would be safer territory.

"Just so that you know, I googled this Sirius Black guy up and I admit that I might have looked a bit... scruffy, but I definitely didn't look as bad as him."

Chiara chuckled at the defensive tone of his voice.

"Yeah, that was probably too much. Aragorn would fit better, it just didn't occur to me at the moment."

He just closed his eyes, amused smile playing on his face, shooking his head.

"Don't tell me you don't know Lord of the Ring."

"I've heard about that one. Never read or seen it though."

"Jesus Christ you are hopeless. Marvel?"

Ethan shook his head.

"Star Wars?"

"No."

"There must be something! How did you survive your youth? I know, I know! Sherlock!"

"Of course I know Sherlock Holmes," he rolled his eyes.

"Okay, so you still have a chance to make yourself look like an actual human being. Which episode was your favourite? Mine was probably The Sign of Three."

"Episode? What are you talking about? I meant the book written by Mr. Doyle. I read it as a kid."

Chiara threw her had into the pillow and gave him the look that showed her evident dissapointment.

"Oh no. _Oh no_. You totally screwed it up, Ramsey. I was talking about the BBC series. With Benedict Cumberbatch? No? It's my all time favourite series."

"Sorry. I just don't watch TV."

She rolled her eyes on him and he laughed at her expression, reminding him a child embrassed by his own parents.

~

  
Another six days passed and Chiara could finally try to stand on her feet with the help of others. It hurt like an actuall hell, but it was a huge progress and she tried to cling on that. Her mom and sister left two days ago, leaving her in "good hands with the handsome doctor Ramsey". Their visit was a nice distraction, although it left her with another question about Ethan - her mother admitted that they called each other every single day, him letting her know how and if is Chiara progressing.

He never told her that, he just said that they talked a bit. Why did he just keep hiding things from her? Was he ashamed of caring for her?

This night Ethat wasn't by her side, dealing with some kind of emergency. She told him not to worry about it, that she could take care of herself and that she would go to sleep soon anyway.

The sleep really came to her very soon, but it didn't last long. Same as every other night, she woke up all sweaty with scream on her lips, the nightmare still raw in her head. This time, it was simply two lights of the opposite car too close to her, not giving her a chance to save herself. Other nights it was her dead father. Or her dead brother. Or Jackie and Sienna and Keiki that could've died while _she_ was driving. For the rest of the night, the sleep haven't come.

Ethan was walking towards Chiara's room the next morning but stopped abruptly when he noticed Dr. Lahela walking in, calling: "How is my all time favourite diagnostician?"

He didn't want to eavesdrop, feeling embarassed in front of his own self, yet he walked to the door just so that he could see them. Chiara was laughing at something Bryce just said and he put some of her stray hair behind her ears. The connection the two young doctors shared was visible even through the door and Ethan was ashamed to admit that he felt jelaous. So, so jelaous. He wanted to touch Chiara with such easiness, he wanted to make her laugh, to kiss her cheek just like Bryce did at the moment. Chiara grinned at him and said something Ethan couldn't hear, but this time it was Bryce who started to laugh loudly.

He left before the emotions bubbling inside of him would make him do something stupid and for the rest of the day tried to work on other cases, just so that he wouldn't have to face Chiara. She would see right through him.

In the evening, after his shift ended, the urge to see her was stronger than anything else and so after making sure that everything and everyone is taken care of, he went to see her.

She was sitting on her bed, reading a book her mum brought her, not noticing him as he walked in.

"Hey Chiara. I just wanted to see how you are doing but I see you're busy..."

She closed the book and looked at him, her expression neutral but he could see that something was bothering her.

"No, stay. I wanted to talk to you."

With heavy feeling that it's not going to be a nice talk full of jokes and laughs, he sat down on the chair and propped his elbows on his knees.

"I talked with many people since I woke up," she started without looking at him. "Naveen, my friends, my mum. And with every single one of them, somehow we've gotten to talk about you. And I need to say that I was rather surprised to hear some of the things that they said. Why didn't you tell me anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"You never told me about the fact that you called my mum everyday to let her know how I am doing and to make sure she was okay. You never told me about paying my checks. You never told me about you staying with me while I was in coma or sleeping in your office to be close. Why?"

He shrugged. What was he supposed to say to that?

"I don't know, it wasn't important. Right now we need to focus on the things that make you heal and recover and all of the things you just mentioned aren't important."

"They are important to me. They show that you actually care about me, Ethan."

" _Of course_ I care about you!" he snapped, anger filling his voice. "Of course I stayed close to you. I had to make sure you were as well as you could be."

His voice was cracking. He could still see her body in the I.C.U., looking so very much dead. He could still remember the feeling when they told him that she was probably dead. He remembered the fear he felt.

Chiara looked at him, alarmed when she noticed that his hands were shaking, his lower lip trembling.

"Ethan," she whispered, reaching to take his shaking hands into hers. Her voice was not neutral anymore, it was full of sympathy and caring and affection.

He lost it. Her touch, her voice and those horrible memories that he couldn't get out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. The first sob escaped his mouth and after that, he couldn't stop them.

"Come here," Chiara whispered, moving on the bed to make some space for him. He took his shoes off and laid on the bed, his head in Chiara's lap, his long legs hanging over the edge of the bed. His whole body was moving with sobs, tears soaking sheets of Chiara's blanket.

"I was so scared, Chiara. I was so fucking scared," he mumbled, his words unintelligible because of crying.

"Shhh, Ethan, I am here. I am right here. I am not going anywhere. Everything is fine," she kept whispering while gently massaging his scalp.

He couldn't stop the crying and he didn't even try. This wasn't the 37 years old Dr. Ramsey crying. This was 11 years old boy whose most important woman in his life just left him. This was a child that had to grow up too soon.

He hasn't cried this hard ever since his mother left them, but the fear of losing Chiara, the fear of losing the most important woman in his life again... It was obvious that this breakdown would come, sooner or later.

After a while, Ethan's sobs went quieter, his breathing calming down. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to leave the safety of Chiara's body, his head still in her lap, his hands hugging her waist tightly.

"I thought I would lose you, Chiara," he whispered. "I believed I'd never see your eyes open again. That I'd never have to pretend to be angry with you when you tease me. And I might appear as a heartless asshole to people, but I'm not heartless. I am an asshole, though," he added, chuckling.

"I care about you, Chiara, I really do. And I like spending my time with you. And I really respect you as a doctor. Loosing you... I wouldn't get past that."

She didn't say anything. He cared about her. She destroyed the walls around his heart. They became so very close.

_Yet, he won't give up on his morals. All we're ever going to be is friends who care about each other deeply._

The realization made her heart sink, but she couldn't bring it up now. So instead, she bent down and kissed his head softly.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" he asked.

"Of course. If you don't mind anyone seeing us like this."

"The nurses know that I am here and so that they don't have to come and check on you. But I wouldn't mind anyway. Come on, let's switch our positions."

He moved up to lay on his back and Chiara laid her head on his chest, hugging his torso with her left hand. He played with her hair gently and for a long time, they were both simply enjoying the situation they found themselves in.

"The nurses told me about your nightmares, Chiara," Ethan broke the comfortable silence after all.

"Huh?"

"They told me that you scream from your sleep. And that you keep waking up through the night. I can prescribe you some pills to help you sleep, if it would help you."

"No," she shook her head rapidly. "I have been taking pills after what happened to my dad and Liam and they turned me into someone I was not. It got to the point when I couldn't remeber what they looked like and I had to stop taking them after that. I got through it on my own. I'll get through this too. I am fine when you are here."

"As you wish. I'll keep you company on your nights here, then."

"Absolutely not. You need to sleep."

"I can manage."

She closed her eyes and tried to find the right words for the next thing she wanted to ask him. She knew very well that he won't be happy about her idea.

"So I was thinking that maybe, if you'd like to distract me, you could bring me some file and let me diagnose? I miss my work."

"Not a chance. You are supposed to take things easy. You'll work when you are fine."

She let out a disappointed sigh, lifting her head so that she could see him.

"Okay," she grinned. "In that case, you can tell me about your relationships."

"Why would I do that?"

"To distract me! Work or your love life. You decide."

He frowned at her, the idea of telling her any of that clearly not pleasing him, but eventually he gave up and spoke.

"My very first relationship began in med school. I already told you about the woman that both me and Tobias fell for-"

"So you won?" She grinned.

"Yes and no. I dated her first. She was the first woman I've gotten so close with, but even then I knew that it was not meant to last. We talked about medicine, attended classes together, discovered each other... physically, but that was all it was for me. She, on the other hand, started to feel the need to move our relationship to next level, to see some future together and when she realized that I am not the right one for her, we broke up. She strated to date Tobias then."

He became quiet after that, letting the thoughts settle in, before moving on to another relationship.

"The next relationship I found myself in was the one with Harper. Both young doctors, both loving their job, liking each other. It was easy to get into that relationship and even though there were several breaks, it lasted for six years. She knew that I wasn't interested in marriage or having kids and she accepted that. We understood each other, we found each other attractive, we talked a lot. It was nice, but it lacked the romantic feelings. There was no magic pull between the two of us."

_Nothing like what I feel when I am with you._

"We'd have dinner or go to the opera, then we'd... ehm, connect physically-"

"You can use the word sex, Ethan. I am not eleven."

"Well, we would have sex and then she would go home. Or me, depending on whose apartment we were in. Never in those six years we spent the whole night together. It wasn't like that. And then she became the Chief and we broke things off for good."

"But she is not a Chief anymore. You could be together."

Ethan laughed, but shook his head.

"We couldn't. First, I wouldn't want that anymore and second, she is happily engaged to another man now."

 _"What?"_ Chiara raised on her elbows and looked at him, surprised.

"Actually, she said 'yes' maybe three minutes before Lahela called her to come here to the hospital for your surgery. You kind of destroyed her engagement dinner," Ethan grinned.

"Ooh crap, why didn't anyone tell me? And who is that man? Fellow surgeon?"

"No, he is a high school teacher. But they met here, in the hospital. She had to deal with his burst appendix and while he recovered, they fell for each other."

Chiara laughed at the story and with amused smile still on her face, she asked: "And after Harper?"

"Then I've only been with you," he answered quietly.

"We've never been in relationship."

"No, but we've been _together_ ," he answered, emphasising the last word.

"Wait, so you are telling me that in your thirty-seven years of life, you, _the handsome doctor Ramsey_ , had only had sex with three women?"

"That's right. Look, I might not believe in love or marriage or soul mates, but I am actually really old fashioned. I don't understand one night stands. I believe that even if you don't intend to spend the rest of your life with the person you have sex with, you should at least know them. Spend some time with them outside the bed."

"Whoa... I would say that you must be pretty boring in bed if I didn't know better," she grinned.

His cheeks flushed at her words, but before he could embarass himself, he cleared his throat and asked: "So what about you?"

"Me? Oh, getting laid sounds really lovely, but I am afraid that there are no volunteers to get me rid of this _sexy_ hospital gown."

Ethan's eyes darkened and his expression changed, showing very clearly that he would happily volunteer to take her right then and there. But again, he had to act composed.

"I meant your relationships."

"Technically I've only been in relationship once. It was in high school. I was just having my artistic stage of life and he was a photographer. We would drink cheap wine and then talk about music and paintings and artists and philosophy. We were kids but we were _so_ in love. It lasted for two years but then I decided to go to med school after all and he wasn't really supportive of the decision. So I broke up with him. And before I could heal my broken heart with someone new in med school, my dad a brother died and I closed myself off. No more relationships for me for the rest of uni."

"And after you came here, to Boston? To Edenbrook? What about Aveiro or Lahela? You seem to be close wiith them."

Ethan tried to keep his voice cool, tried to sound like he was simply curious, but Chiara noticed the tense in his voice as he said 'Lahela' and she had to grin.

"There was never anything besides friendship between me and Rafael. He is such a pure soul. And he could always make my day better. I love talking to him and we had a lot of fun, but romantic feelings? Not at all," she shook her head.

"You didn't say a word about Bryce Lahela."

"Yeah, well with Bryce... that's something different. Anyway, there's nothing going on between the two of us... anymore."

"Anymore?" Ethan raised his eyebrow at her.

"I don't know how to put this. Bryce and I became friends on the very first day here. And you know how he is. Open, smiling all the time. He made it easy to laugh even on a shitty day. And the physical attraction between us, well, we didn't even try to deny it. The first time we hooked up was after our housewarming party. And after that, it became our thing. We would go for a drink, dance in the club and then have sex at his place. But from the beginning we both knew that it wouldn't lead to relationship, thay we were simply friends with benefits. We shared secrets and laughed together and spent many, many nights on some kind of adventures and we grew so close, but the sex has always only been sex. Just to blow some steam off. And then Miami happened. And suddenly, it felt wrong to hook up with him, it felt like using him. So I told him the truth, that I fell for someone else - don't worry, I didn't say who - and that we should end things there. He accepted that and that night we got drunk, sang karaoke and then went home. The last time we hooked up was the day when Naveen left the hospital and you followed him. I felt so betrayed, so lost, so alone and Bryce offered to make me feel better and I agreed because I needed to feel something else for a moment. After that, the most physical contact we have is him kissing my cheek from time to time. He is like the brother I lost to me."

She smiled to herself, probably at some kind of memory of Bryce and herself. Then, she ended her storytelling by saying: "Then, as you said, the two of _us_ were _together_. And that's it. Nothing else."

Ethan looked at her for a long time. He was so jelaous of Bryce, even though he knew that it wasn't fair, because Chiara wasn't jelaous of Harper and the two relationships were very simmilar. Not like Ethan had any right to be jelaous - Chiara wasn't his, not after he made it very clear that they could only be collegues. But still, something in his chest hurt knowing that the young surgeon touched her and could touch her again, if she'd want that.

"It was a nice talk," she grinned. "We should try to get some sleep, huh?"

"Yes, you should," Ethan nodded and allowed himself to crack his barriers by kissing her forehead softly. "I'll be here, keeping the nigtmares away."

~

The next evening, Ethan came to keep her company again, laptop under his left arm.

"Hey there!" Chiara smiled when he walked in. "Are you going to work from here? Oh no, I know! You are finally letting me see some cases and work on them!"

"No. I said no working until you are absolutely fine."

"I am fine! My head is totally good, it's my legs that suck!"

"I don't want to hear any of that. You need to rest."

"So what is it with the laptop?"

Ethan sat on the chair, opening the device, his reading glasses on.

"We are going to watch Sherlock." 


	6. Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I wanted to post this chapter much sooner but well, life got into the way and then chapters 10 and 11 happened and it was kinda hard for me to get back into this story.  
> With that, I'd like to mention that the storyline of this story is already finished and it doesn't anyhow correspond with the original storyline now.  
> Also, I am sorry that there are no Chiara"s friends in this chapter, I promise the next one is full of them.  
> Finally, get ready for a good old plot twist and batch of angst. 
> 
> Please don't hate me.

"We are going to watch Sherlock," Ethan answered her curious question without even bothering to raise his eyes from the laptop. 

Chiara tried to supress her surprised and pleased smile, but gave up eventually, tired of hiding her emotions. Something in her chest felt suddenly warm, Ethan's gesture screaming "I care for you" better than he could ever express it by his words. 

Still, Chiara couldn't help but ask: "Why are we watching Sherlock now?" 

"Because you are bored to death in this hospital and need to spend your evenings somehow and you told me that Sherlock was your favourite series," he responded matter of factly, shrugging. 

"That doesn't explain why _you_ are watching Sherlock with me." 

"I liked the story as a kid. And I've seen the Cumberbatch guy in The Imitation Game, which I surpisingly liked, so I decided to give this a shot," he said, waving his hand towards the laptop's screen, where the first episode of Sherlock waited to be watched. 

"I also wanted to keep you company," he added much more quietly, now looking at the tips of his shoes. 

Chiara's smile spread even wider through her face and she reached for his hand. He tensed at the touch, but relaxed immediately and looked at her, smiling shyly at her, the kind of smile she's never seen, the one to make him look somehow younger. Without a word, she moved to the one side of the bed and patted the free side. Ethan put the laptop on the chair, adjusting everything so that they could see just right and, taking Chiara's clue, sat down on the bed next to her, hugging her petit frame with his arm. She put her head to the crook of his neck and with smile still on her face, poured her mind into the series she loved so much. 

Almost five hours and three episodes later, they finished the first season and closed the laptop, deciding to watch the next one some other day. 

"So? What do you think?" Chiara asked, sitting straighter on the bed and looking at Ethan. 

"I guess I see why you like it so much. It might not be a _complete_ waste of time," he grinned. "I liked that the humor they used wasn't stupid or rude, that you have to be at least a little bit clever to find it funny."

"What do you think about Sherlock, as a character?" 

"He is genius, obviously, but he is also kind of an asshole," he answered and decided to elaborate at the questioning look Chiara gave him. "John is trying so hard to be a good friend to him, he cares about him, he sticks with him and Sherlock just keeps saying how he doesn't have anyone and doesn't need anyone and is using John when it's convenient for him. At the same time, everyone can see that he cares about John so much, but instead of telling him, he is an ass." 

Chiara chuckled at his monologue and couldn't supress her need to point out: "Really? He actually reminds me of you a lot." 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"You know, his whole attitude. 'Alone is what I have. Alone protects me.' Deep down, Sherlock is such a pure soul and cares for others so much, but at the same time is so scared of being hurt or left alone, that he keeps _choosing_ to be alone. And then John comes into his life and he just refuses to admit that he loves him because that would totally destroy his whole carefully built 'I don't need anyone in my life' attitude. Just like you." 

Ethan was silent for a long time after her words. It made his heart sink, realizing how right she was once again. 

Chiara, just like John Watson, stood by his side all this time, no matter how hard he was on her, how hard he pushed her away. She stayed and she kept helping him, she kept being the amazing friend he never deserved in the first place. 

Ethan, just like Sherlock Holmes, instead of admiting how much he loved her, how much she meant to him, pushed her away every time she got too close. Instead of adoring her like she deserved to be adored, he made it impossibly hard to stick with him for her. 

Yet, she never gave up on him. She didn't give up on him even when he gave up on himself. 

But not anymore. He couldn't let her down anymore. He wanted, he _needed_ to make things right after all those fails he's made. 

He desperately wanted to tell her how wrong he was and how much he wanted to turn things right, but he noticed how Chiara yawned and how her eyes were barely open. He couldn't burden her with such words now, when she needed to sleep, needed her energy to recover. So instead, he said: "I am glad to see that your observational ability hasn't been harmed."

~

Despite being stuck in her hospital room, Chiara didn't feel lonely. Ethan would keep her company every evening, while her friends came to see her through the day. And if, by any chance, she didn't have anyone to talk to, she'd facetime her mum or her sister. 

Things seemed to be taking the right turn for her after all. She was able to walk with the help of canes and even though it only lasted a few minutes a day, it filled her with hope that eventually, she could get back to her normal. Ethan insisted on some more blood tests, which she didn't mind, knowing that the worst diagnoses were already ruled out. 

And yet, the cold feeling spreading slowly in her chest made all of her progress seem negligible. The cold feeling that came in every time she thought about Ethan Ramsey. 

In the past weeks, their relationship has been better than she could've ever imagined. They laughed, watched Sherlock - which she could see he loved, even though he would never admit that, instead commenting it to be "not the worst thing ever produced". He kissed her forehead good night and held her hand every single evening. She'd tease him and he would scold her, just to laugh at her words seconds after. They were comfortable around each other and it all felt _just right._

Chiara's been waiting. Every time he stepped into the room, she thought to herself ' _This is it. We're finally talking about what we are'._ And every time she was left disappointed, because no matter how much time they spent around each other, he'd never bring that up. He'd never talk about what they actually were. 

And heck, if the only thing they could ever be was _this_ ; this open, honest, comfortable friendship, she would take it without a second thought. Because it made them both so very happy. Only she didn't know if they were friends. She swam in the sea of confusion and sadness and even anger, because Ethan wouldn't talk to her. And she was tired of pushing him to talk to her. 

Therefore, she waited and waited and waited for the conversation that never came.

~

Three days before her presumed discharging, Chiara was rather surprised to see Dr. Hirata come into her room. Usually, it was Ethan with the news, blood tests results, progress checks and recovery plans. 

"June? Is something wrong?" she asked, studying the unreadable face of the older doctor. 

"I have your results from immunology," she answered directly. 

"I thought those has already come few days ago."

"Yes and something in them caught my eye, so I ordered additional tests and they confirmed what I thought. Look, Chiara, this has nothing to do with the accident, but I think it would be unfair to keep this from you and I am aware of you studying your own file once you are back to work, so you'd eventually find out anyway. There's disfunction in your immune system that affects your fertility," she said slowly, pausing when she noticed Chiara's shocked face slowly turn into recognition. 

"I guess you know what that means," she added.

Chiara nodded and whispered, more to herself than June: "It means that my body fights the sperm as something harmful. And there's nothing I can do? I could never get pregnant?"

"When the disfunction is caught early enough, there are chances for reversal, but it seems like you are suffering from this for quite a long time now. I am afraid there's nothing we could do anymore." 

Chiara turned her head towards the large window, fixing her gaze on the tree outside of the room. She felt like throwing up and punching something at the same time. The lump in her throat grew bigger and bigger and now matter how hard she fought back the tears, they found their way down her cheeks. 

"Do you want to talk?" June asked gently. 

"I'd like to be alone," Chiara whispered in return, not needing to turn around to know, that Dr. Hirata would respect her decision. 

  
She didn't know how long she's been staring at the leaveless branches of the huge tree, but she knew it was not long enough to calm the storm inside her whole body. Trying desperately to feel something else than this unknown dumbness, she got up of the bed and with the help of canes stumbled to the window. 

Soft knock on the door interrupted her and she turned her head to see Ethan hesitating by the door frame. 

"May I come in?"

He never asked her if he could come in. He simply came in and took his seat next to her. 

"You know, don't you?" She asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. 

Ethan nodded and crossed the room, so that he could stand next to her. She was leaning on the canes heavily and her breath was slightly ragged and Ethan knew that she must've been in so much pain, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her to lie down, knowing that the physical pain could cloud her inner pain at least a little bit. He put his hand on her shoulder and with the voice so quiet and so soft, he said: "I am so very sorry, Chiara. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know that that is not possible at the moment." 

She shook her head, not looking at him anymore. For a long time, both of them kept quiet, looking out of the window, finding the right words. Or, in Chiara's case, finding _any_ words. 

After all, she managed: "I don't even have a serious relationship. It's not like I was planning to get pregnant anytime soon. But God, I could see having children somewhen in my life. I know that there are doctors, like you, that cannot imagine having kids because their work takes too much time. And I want to be a good doctor and change the world, but I always thought that at some point, I would stop being the full time doctor, I would end the time consuming career and I would become a mother. Mother _and_ a regular doctor. Not the best one, not the richest one, not the most famous one. Just a normal doctor with normal life and a normal family."

At this point, Chiara was crying loudly, her knuckled white from the force she used to hold the canes. Ethan turned her around so that she would face him and hugged her tightly, letting her crash into him. He kept drawing soothing circles on her back while whispering: "Just cry, Chiara. Cry and scream, let it out. I am here. I am right here." 

She cried loudly, letting the canes fall to the ground, grabbing Ethan's coat instead, holding onto it as if it could hold her whole weight. Lifting her gently, Ethan managed to get her back to her bed, kneeling beside her and holding her small hands between his own. 

After long minutes, Chiara calmed down enough to get her breath back to normal and Ethan decided to use this as a opportunity to talk. 

"The chances of you getting pregnant are low, but I know women with the same diagnosis and eventually, they got pregnant. The number of such cases is very low, but it is there."

"I think I've beaten the odds enough for one lifetime," Chiara smiled sadly. 

"You would make wonderful mother and I'd like to believe that one day, you could have your own child. But there are always other options and I personally think that if there's someone, who would be an outstanding adoptive parent, it would be you."

He stroked her cheek slowly, wiping the new tears away while doing it. Chiara closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, finding the warmth of his body comforting enough to breathe normally. 

~

After making sure that Chiara was sleeping soundly, Ethan decided to get some paperwork done back in his office. Three minutes after starting to work, he found himself staring at the ceiling, thinking about how much he wanted to tell her everything. 

Every day, he wanted to express his feelings, to tell her how selfishly he wanted nothing more than to be with her. How, if they found out that their relationship could actuallt destroy her career, he was willing to leave Edenbrook instantly, so that they wouldn't be collegues anymore. Oh how he wished to kiss her senslessly, to take her hand and kiss the tips of her fingers anytime he wanted. How he longed to have her in his arms and call her _his,_ his Chiara, his Dr. Ray, his, his, his. 

He fought the urgent feeling to tell her, knowing that in two days, she'll be discharged and they would be able to talk in privacy of his or her apartment. 

He already asked Naveen for two days off after her dismissal, planning to cook her lunch and finish watching Sherlock and then finally getting to the talk he promised her months ago. 

On the other side of the hospital wing, Chiara woke up from yet another nightmare and, unable to fall back asleep, allowed the thoughts she's been avoiding so much, to come to the surface of her mind. 

She knew what she needed to do and she knew that it was selfish to keep this discussion until the end of her hospital stay, knowing that she will spend another two weeks at home. Outside the hospital. 

What she was going to do would break her, but it needed to be done. And the fact that she'd have two weeks to get herself back together, without seeing him, played just well for her. 

~

Chiara was packing her stuff, waiting for the discharging papers, her stomach clenched at the knowledge of what was to come. 

"There you go," Ethan walked in, wide smile on his face as he handed her the signed papers. Her heart broke at the sight of him. 

"Thanks," she muttered, taking them. 

"Is someone coming to get you?" 

"Yes, Bryce will take me home. He is actually already waiting for me, so I guess I should get going." 

"Right," he nodded, the idea of Chiara leaving with Bryce Lahela making him frown. "Look, I was thinking that maybe I could come to see you tomorrow and make you some lunch-"

"I think it's better if you don't, Ethan," she interrupted him. 

"Oh?"

"Thank you. For staying with me while I was here. But I guess we both agree that it was way past the professional line and therefore this kind of interaction has to end."

"What are you implying, Chiara?" He asked, confusion and pain written all over his face. 

"I cannot go on like this, Ethan. For these two weeks, we've been together every day. We talked so much about _everything_ , but not once we've gotten to talking about us. And I get it. I know why it had to be that way. Because my recovery was far more important and you couldn't cause some kind of setback by telling me that we cannot be together. I understand, I really do," she took a deep breath before continuing. "I am not angry. But Lord, I am scared. Every time you walk into this room and look serious, I expect you to say it. To push me away. To _leave_. I just keep wondering if you'd leave me to go to Brazil again, or which country would need you this time? New Zealand? Thailand? Rwanda? And I wouldn't just get through it, because I care for you Ethan, I admire you, I respect you, for God's sake I _love_ you. And even if there's no kind of romantic involvement ever planned for us, I'd still love you, as a friend, as a doctor, as a mentor, as the man you are." 

The tears were shining in the corners of her eyes, but her voice was steady. 

"But I need to love myself too. I need to care for myself. And I need to end things now, before you have a chance to push me away again, because that would crush me."

"Chiara, please," Ethan whispered, his hands shaking by his side. "Please, let us talk." 

"We've had plenty of time to talk."

"I am sorry Chiara," his voice was cracking, his eyes full of plea. 

"I am sorry, too. Thank you for your care, Dr. Ramsey," she said, grabbing her bag into one hand and the wooden cane into another, leaning on it as she walked away of the room. 

"Stay safe, Chiara," he whispered, even though he knew she couldn't hear him, anymore. 

He fell on the, now empty, bed, the bed he used to spend so many days and nights next to, watching her, talking to her. Hot tears were streaming down his face and he didn't bother to get rid of them, he didn't care if anyone could see him. 

_You got what you deserved, Ramsey. She did the same thing you kept doing to her. She pushed you away before you could leave her and she was right. She deserves better than you. She deserves to be happy and nothing else but happy._

His own thoughts kept torturing him but he knew he deserved to be tortured. He deserved the pain he felt now, knowing that it was the pain he caused Chiara to feel. 

He almost made things right. His plan almost worked and they were almost happy. 

They were almost happy together. Happy with each other. 

But almost is never enough. 


	7. Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!  
> The most important notice about this chapter - it contains a lyrics of a song "Already Gone", which I found out thanks to Sleeping At Last and that version reminds me a lot of Ethan and Chiara and it actually inspired me to write this story in the first place. However I just found out that the original of the song belongs to Kelly Clarkson, so I guess all the credits go to her. So just to be clear, I do not own the lyrics by any means.  
> I also strongly recommend to listen to the Sleeping At Last version of the song for an extra batch of angst.  
> Lastly, thank you for reading, commenting, for the kudos and I hope you will not be disappointed with todays chapter.

Chiara was silently crying on her way through the corridors, slowly walking towards the exit. Bryce had offered to pick her up in her patient room, but she refused, knowing that she would need privacy for her talk with Ethan.  
  
The moment Bryce spotted her, he jumped to her, taking the bag from her shoulder, his megawatt smile turning into concerned frown when he noticed fresh tears on her cheeks.  
  
"Babe, you okay?"  
  
"Just get me home, please," she murmured, letting him lead her to his car, slowly climbing in. Her spine and legs still hurt and certain movements caused her so much pain she had to take few deep breaths to steady herself.  
  
The car ride was silent, Chiara watching the city behind the window, the tears no more present in her eyes, her expression now hardened.  
  
Bryce knew better than to push her to talk and so he simply waited until she decides to share her worries. He had an idea about what, or better said _who_ made her feel so miserable, but he wouldn't like to jump into conclusions and so he kept his mouth shut.  
  
"Thanks for the ride," Chiara smiled faintly as they stopped outside her apartment. "You should get back to the hospital."  
  
"Sienna hasn't told you?" Bryce asked, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"Told me what?"  
  
"That I am staying with you for three days. We've all got out three days off approved by Dr. Banerji, me, Sienna, Elijah and Jackie and well, I am the first one to have a three days besties sleepover," he grinned, already opening the car's door to get out.

Chiara did her best to get out of the car gracefully, however stumbling upon her own cane made the attempt fail miserably. Meanwhile, Bryce has gotten her and his own bags out of the trunk and offered her his arm to lean on. She took it and with one hand on the can and the other enlaced with his, she spoke again.

“It's stupid, you shouldn't be here. The days off, vacation days, you should save them up, not waste them on me. I am terrible person to be around these days,” she mumbled, more to herself than to Bryce.

They reached the front door and without hesitation, Bryce took the keys – Chiara recognized them as Sienna's – out of his pocket and let Chiara in. Once they settled on the couch in the living room, he smiled at her softly and finally responded to her remark.

“I don't really have a reason to take vacation or days off. It's not like I should save them for Christmas so that I could visit my family or something,” he chuckled, but there was no humour in the sound of his laughter. “And since you have been off work for, like, 10 weeks now, you are probably not getting any more days off for the rest of the year. So we will probably both have to deal with the drunk uncles and broken wrists of people who slipped on the ice on Christmas day. We are in this together.”

This time, his grin was filled with sincerity, but Chiara couldn't smile back, the thought of burdening yet another person making her head spin. She bit her lip, trying to fight back the tears, the reminder of everything that happened not only in the past few days, but everything that had happened in the past few years of her life.

“I am really not fun, Bryce. If you have the three days off, just go and spend them with Keiki, go to party, drink beer, have wild sex, whatever.”

Bryce laughed at her suggestions and hugged her shoulders with one arm, while the other touched her chin, forcing her to face him.

“As long as I remember, I am still your best friend and since Ramsey kept you occupied while you were in the hospital, I really, _really_ wish to spend some time with you, Chiara. And you shouldn't be alone for at least ten days, doctor's orders,” he shrugged. “Now, you wanna talk about what keeps making you cry?”

  
Chiara opened her mouth to protest, to recant his words about crying, but before she could manage any reasonable sentence, first sob escaped her mouth, followed by another, until she was a sobbing mess, putting her head on Bryce's shoulder.

Bryce hugged her tightly and just let her cry, not trying to calm her, to soothe the pain that caused all of this. He was the only one of all her friends to know about her past, about her father and her brother, he was the only one to know about her loving art to the point she almost ended up being a painter instead of a doctor and he was the only one to know that when Chiara Ray needed to cry her soul out, one should not try to make her stop.

She cried, loudly, making front of Bryce's shirt wet, her hands curled in fist. One moment, she felt like she was screaming, but after managing to calm down, she wasn't sure about that anymore, feeling like maybe her head made that up.

Not crying uncontrollably anymore, her head still on Bryce's shoulder and his arms still around her form, she whispered so silently, that he almost missed it: “I can't have kids.”

For a moment, all the air left Bryce's lungs and he had no idea what to say, what to do and so he just hugged her even tighter and waited for an explanation.

“I found out only three days ago. Dr. Hirata told me. Apparently, I have some kind of immunity system disfunction that causes that my body fights sperm as something possibly harmful and dangerous and never accepts it. And I know it's stupid to cry over something like that now, because I have no boyfriend and no vision of having kids at the moment, but God, I want to have them one day.”

The tears were streaming down her face again and finally, Bryce found his lost voice.

  
“Chiara babe, I am so sorry. I know how much you love those little humans and I know that you would, no you _will_ , be an amazing mother, even better than you are a doctor now. And that really means something, right? And it's not stupid to cry or to be sad or the be even mad about it, because it's a huge thing and huge things need to be expressed, not buried in your chest until they kill you.”

“Thank you, Bryce. For always having my back.”

“Of course. And I mean it Chiara, one day, you will be very pregnant and you will hate your huge belly and the lower back pains and the swollen feet. You just have to find someone with sperms stubborn enough to beat your own stubborn immune system.”

She laughed softly but sincerely at his words, but couldn't help to think about one particular man, stubborn enough to match Bryce's description. 

“Now, let's get you to bed. You need to rest. And after that, we will try to take a walk to the park and have an ice cream, huh? How does that sound?”

“Like a plan,” she smiled and let him help her into her own bed. “Oh and Bryce? Please, don't tell anyone.”

“Of course,” he smiled and helped her lay down into comfort of her bed.

˜

The walk to the park took them twice as much time as it usually would, with Chiara walking slowly, leaning on the cane, but the weather was unusually nice and the normalcy of the situation made it easier for Chiara to simply enjoy the walk. And of course the promised ice cream kept her going, despite the discomfort.

Eventually they made it, found the bench and with a sigh of relief, Chiara sat down on it.

“Peanut butter and dark chocolate, right?” Bryce asked her without sitting down next to her, ready to go and buy her the ice cream.

“You remember?” she asked surprised, knowing very well that she only mentioned her favourite combination once in front of him.

Bryce simply shrugged and grinned at her and a moment later, he was gone. While waiting for her companion, Chiara observed other people crossing the park, trying to busy her mind with other people's possible problems, so that she wouldn't have to face her own ones.

As her favourite surgeon came back, with one peanut butter and dark chocolate ice cream in one hand and mango sorbet in the other, she realized that she probably looked hopelessly lost in her own world. Bryce's next question only verified her hypothesis.

“So you want to tell me about the other thing that's been bothering you, or is that one supposed to be a secret?”

She snapped her head at him, the expression of shock and pain on her face only for a second, before she could put a mask of confusion on.

“What are you talking about?”

“Chiara, you are my best friend. I can see right through you and I know that there is something besides your health issues that makes your heart break.”

He had one very certain person in his mind as he said those words, but didn't want to push her into something she didn't want to tell him.

Chiara's gaze returned to the people surrounding them, slowly eating the delicious treat and for a moment, Bryce believed that she wouldn't say a word to him. But then, after blinking rapidly for a few times, clearly fighting the tears back, she murmured: “I hate Ramsey.”

It was Bryce's turn to snap his head at her and with voice full of anger and confusion, he asked: “What? Why? Has he hurt you? What has he done? Has he done something inappropriate? Should I kill him?”

Chiara had to laugh at his last suggestion before shaking her head.

“No, don't kill him. I didn't really mean to say that I hate him. It's just… it's quite the opposite…”

And she filled him with everything, the need to share her pain with her best friend bigger than anything else. She told Bryce everything, how she fell for him and how she felt like he might be falling for her too (“Wait, so _Ramsey_ is the reason we stopped having sex?”), how they spent two nights together and how he left to Brazil after that, without ever saying a simple goodbye to her (“Excuse me? That asshole!”), how she tried to reach out to him while he was gone and he ignored all of her texts and calls (“Whoa, now I hate him too.”), how he got back and the walls around him started to slowly crack again. She told him how Ethan would hold her hand or hug her from time to time and that he would share his secrets with her and only her until finally he would kiss her after the softball game and promised to talk about them (“Okay, now I am confused, _why_ are we hating him then?”). And then, with her shoulders slumped and her eyes weary, she ended her speech with explaining how she couldn't bear the idea of being pushed away again or being left by Etham Ramsey again and after weeks of beautiful friendship with him, decided to be the one to leave.

“Okay, I knew that this had to be about Ramsey, but such drama? That surpassed my wildest fantasies,” Bryce grinned, hugging Chiara's shoulder. “But no, seriously Chiara, I don't get it. He clearly loves you too, so why are we hating him now?”

“He doesn't believe in love. He might care for me, but God I waited for the talk for so long and he never even mentioned the kiss or the promise to talk. Clearly, he planned to push me away once I am fine again.”

“I really don't think so,” Bryce replied while standing up, offering his hand to Chiara, making it clear that they would be heading back to the apartment. “I've seen the man after your accident and when you were in coma. He didn't behave like someone who doesn't believe in love.”

˜

In the evening, Chiara was reading a medical journal in her bed, while Bryce was _trying_ to cook them both a dinner. Her other roommates were busy either having dates (Sienna and Elijah) or being in work (Jackie and Aurora), so when she heard the loud knock on the door, she was rather surprised. Before she could even try to get out of the bed, she heard Bryce's voice from the hall: “I'll get it!”

“Did you just order pizza because your attempt to cook failed miserably?” she called after him with a smirk on her lips.

Few seconds later, Bryce appeared in the door, his expression nervous.

“Uh, Chiara babe… it's Dr. Ramsey. He said it was important and that he would only stay for a minute or two. But I can tell him to get out, if you don't want to see him.”

Chiara's whole core screamed, because God, she _did want_ to see him, she missed Ethan even though it wasn't even 24 hours since she left the hospital. At the same time, she knew she shouldn’t let him come in, that she needed to protect her heart and that nothing could ever be so important.

Despite her better judgment, she sighed and replied: “Let him in.”

Bryce returned to the door just a minute later, with the older doctor following him and with raised eyebrows, he said: “I'll leave you two alone. I'll be in the kitchen, Chiara, if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Bryce,” she smiled softly and when the door to her room closed, she raised her green eyes to meet the piercing blue ones.

Ethan was staring at her, not even trying to hide it and after a moment, he coughed nervously and spoke: “Hi, Chiara. I know that you said I shouldn't come and that you needed your space and I truly respect that. I just… after what you said to me today, I realized that you never really forgave me for running to the Amazon. I believed that we could get past that but now I know that neither of us has actually gotten past it and trust me, I understand why you would hate me. Leaving you like that, I was an asshole. And to this day, I still feel sorry for doing that,” he was looking at the ground now, not knowing how to put all of his sincerity in something as mundane as words.

“I came her to give you this,” he continued, reaching for a piece of folded paper in his pocket. “While I was in Brazil, I met a woman. She was my age and her younger brother was one of the people we couldn't save. And even though I didn't intend to do anything but save people in there, she managed to get under my skin and after her brother's death, she showed me how she dealt with the pain and grief. She said that she loved music, loved singing and that every time she faced a tragedy or a loss in her life, she would put her pain into a poem. Or a song, whatever you call it. And you know how I am, how I don't see the meaning in art, how I would _never_ write a poem,” Ethan chuckled to himself and continued. “One night, however, she made me open up to her and I told her about you. And she simply told me to write you a poem. A letter to you, but in a form of a poem. How pathetic does this even sound now? But you know what? I did it. I got drunk and in the middle of the night wrote the damn poem. The next morning, I promised myself to never ever tell anyone about it, but I never made myself to get rid of the thing either. And now, I just feel like it would be fair for you to have it. It was supposed to be a letter for you, after all.”

He handed her the paper and Chiara accepted it, running her fingers through the paper lightly. Before she could as much as look back at Ethan, he opened the door and with sincere “Bye, Chiara. Take care of yourself.” left the room.

Chiara wanted to tear the paper until it would be impossible to read its content and at the same time, she needed to read the words he addressed her back then. After apologizing to Bryce and telling him, that she needed to sleep, she got back to her room, sat on the edge of her bed and carefully unfolded the paper.

_Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye_

_Even with our fists held high  
It never would have worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die_

_I didn't want us to burn out  
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop_

_I want you to know  
That it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
Someone's gotta go_

_And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone_

_Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you wanna cry_

_You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go_

_And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on_

_So I'm already gone_

_(Thank you for never letting me down. I am sorry I failed to do the same. -Ethan)_

Chiara kept reading the words over and over again, her hands shaking, quiet sobs escaping her throat again. She collapsed on her bed and let herself cry once again, cry so hard that she couldn't catch her breath, she cried and cried and cried until the sleep found her.

˜

Bryce didn't know what happened between Chiara and Dr. Ramsey in those five minutes they've spent alone in her room, but he knew that whatever it was, it left Chiara even more destroyed. And that she would never talk to him about it. And so, instead of pushing her, he decided to make her think about something else and after breakfast, he took he to the living room, where the Scrabble was already waiting for them.

“Scrabble? Really? I am going to crush you,” she grinned at him, smiling sincerely for the first time that morning. Her eyes sparkled again and Bryce's chest was filled with so much warmth immediately.

“You wish,” he teased her back and took his seat on the sofa.

They started to play and after a while, Chiara had to admit that Bryce was better than she'd expected him to be. Running out of creative ideas, she composed the word “cut”.

" _Cut?_ What the hell, cut? You use words like hemothorax or Acinetobacter on daily basis but when we play Scrabble, you decide to go with cut?”

“I am sorry!” Chiara raised her hands in defeat, laughing loudly. “I thought that it would make you happy, since it's basically the only thing you do at work.”

“It might be the only thing I do at work, but right now, outside the hospital, I am totally going to win this game,” he grinned, but before he could crush her with another word straight out of medical journal, the _beep_ of his phone interrupted them.

Bryce took the phone into his hand and after reading the text, he smiled and said: “It's just Keiki. She says hi and asks if your are feeling good.”

“Thanks! She should stop by sometimes,” Chiara smiled back, but the guilt didn't allow her to simply let it be there. “You know you should be with here. She needs you now and she is still so young, she shouldn't be alone now.”

“She is finishing her classes online, which is surprisingly more difficult than actually being in school, which means she is studying all the time now. She doesn't even notice when I am home. And she is not alone.”

“What?” Chiara raised her eyebrow. “Did you hire her a babysitter or something?”

“No, uh…well… Kyra is staying with her.”

Chiara's eyebrow jumped even higher at the statement, but she quickly composed herself and simply asked: “So I guess Keiki is really happy about you and Kyra then?”

“About me and Kyra?” it was Bryce's turn to raise eyebrows in surprise. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Oh please, Lahela. Should I quote you? You are my best friend and I can see right through you. I see how you look at each other, how you smile at each other, how you both managed to come to see me in the hospital at the very same time, all by _total coincidence_ of course!”

Bryce's cheeks were now dark pink and was that a _shy_ smile she could see on his face?

“So? How long have you been together? And when did you want to tell me? You are my best friend and she is one of my best friends too. I feel betrayed.”

“We aren't together. Not yet. It's just… I don't even know how to describe it, Chiara. For the first time in my life, I fell for a woman without even having sex with her!”

“I can't believe you haven't had sex,” Chiara laughed. “I know you and I know Kyra and you are both a sex material.”

  
“She is still recovering and I wouldn't want to rush her into something that wouldn't feel comfortable,” Bryce explained, his voice suddenly serious. “I really like her, Chiara. And I think she really like me too. We just don't want to label it now. We are exploring this new area of our lives and try to have fun on the way.”

Chiara smiled and hugged Bryce tightly, the idea of her two favourite people finding happiness with each other making her own broken heart heal a little.

˜

With her friends keeping her company, Chiara didn't even realize that ten out of fourteen days were gone and that she would be returning to work so soon. He ability to walk was improving daily and even though she still needed to use the cane for better stability, she was confident that physically, she would be able to work as hard as she did before the accident.

Mentally, however, she didn't feel so certain. Her feelings about Ethan haven't change even a slightest bit and she dreaded the moment they would have to face each other in the halls of Edenbrook.

Her days with Jackie and then Elijah were fun, neither of them bringing the topic of Dr. Ramsey up. With the two of them, she would just talk about patients and movies and Marvel (Elijah) and horror stories (Jackie), they would take walks and order pizza that would go well with their movie.

But now, Sienna was the one to keep her company and she wouldn't let Chiara get away without a talk about Ethan. Chiara has told her about everything, after all, Sienna has been through it all with her and she knew that Chiara was going to break her friendship with the attending, even though she didn't agree with the decision. Chiara even told her about the poem, without showing it to her, feeling like that would betray Ethan somehow.

“Sienna, I really don't feel like there is something else to talk about,” Chiara sighed when her friend tried to get something else out of her.

“Chiara, just listen to me now. I really understand your need to protect yourself and trust me, I support _that_ decision with all my heart. I just don't think that cutting Ethan off like that is the right way to do it.”

“Wait,” Chiara raised her hand to stop Sienna. “You call him Ethan now? Since when are you on first name terms?”

“Well, we've gotten quite close in the past few weeks,” Sienna shrugged. “After your accident, he'd often ask me how we were doing and I would ask him the same thing. He was really nice to me and now that you are home, he asks me every day, and I really mean _every day_ , about how you are, if you are making progress, if you seem fine, if you take your pills. He is genuinely worried about you.”

“Okay, Sienna, I see you are rooting for him now, but please let's not forget how he keeps leaving me and pushing me away.”

“I think he's changed. I am not telling you to marry the man, I just think you should give him a chance to talk to you. We are all invited to Dr. Emery's engagement party and considering their friendly relationship, I think he will be there. And I would like to go too, so if you decide to come with us, it could be your chance to talk and also, you would see if the real world is working for you already, or you'd need more time to heal.”

“I didn't want to attend the party. And I know that I am ready for the real world, Si.”

“Okay, okay. Maybe you should go, because, well, you ruined her engagement dinner. You should attend the party and apologize.”

Chiara laughed loudly at that and after seconds of considering, she nodded.

“You win. I'll go. After all, I owe Dr. Emery and her lucky one an apology. And you are also right about Ethan. I really should talk to him, at least about work.”


	8. Closure

Never in her life would Chiara expect to find herself getting ready for engagement party of Harper Emery, of all people. But alas, neither would she think that her biggest accessory to the said party would be a wooden cane and yet here she was.

She felt equally nervous and excited about both, the process of getting ready and also the fact that after almost three months, she was going to spend the whole evening in the company of so many people. Considering the fact that Decembers in Boston were disgustingly cold compared to those back in San Francisco, Chiara decided not to test her own ability to not to freeze in the tiny, back cut out navy blue dress she wanted to wear initially, instead reaching for tight, long sleeved emerald green ones. She also succumbed the idea of wearing a thigh high boots, since she still needed to use a cane in spite of walking steadily. She grabbed the pair of black Doc Martens instead, put her hair into purposefully messy bun and stepped into the living room, where Sienna and Jackie were already waiting for her.

“Look at yourself!” Sienna smiled widely when she first noticed her. “Ready to blow some minds tonight?”

“Please, Sienna,” Chiara laughed shortly. “It just felt nice to put some make up on after such long time.”

“Well, you definitely dress to impress, Chiaris,” Jackie nodded, grinning. “I personally prefer undressing to impress, however. Is Lahela joining us?”

Chiara shook her head, going through her purse once again, making sure she wasn’t forgetting anything and without looking up, she shrugged: “He decided to spend tonight with Keiki.”

It was only a half truth. He _was_ spending his night with Keike, but also with Kyra, who wasn’t feeling very well and wouldn’t really enjoy an evening spent at a party. The _something_ going on between Bryce and Kyra, whatever it was, wasn’t exactly top secret, but Chiara knew that Bryce hasn’t told anyone about them yet and she didn’t feel like she should just spill it now.

“Whatever. Aurora is already there and she just texted me saying that the place is full of old doctors and even older teachers, so we really need to hurry up and get drunk with her.”

Sienna grabbed her coat and looked at Chiara, her face concerned.

“Are you sure you want to take the T, Chiara? We can always call a cab.”

“Thanks, Si, but I really want to take the T. I am going back to work in two days, remember? I kinda have to handle the basic life at this point.”

˜

It only took them about 20 minutes to get to the place where the party has been held and it was only when Chiara stepped through the main door that she fully realized that she would probably be meeting Ethan tonight.

Before she could drown herself in the sea of panic, nervousness, doubt and even sadness, she almost got crushed in a hug.

“Chiara, it’s so good to see you! We are all so, so happy that you are getting back!”

Chiara had to take two steps back and blink several times to match the face to the voice and the arms around her.

“Ines,” she smiled wholeheartedly. “I am the happy one. I missed you all. Yep, even you, Zaid,” she laughed as she noticed the older doctor to roll his eyes at the sentimental scene in front of him.

“I haven’t missed you at all, Ray,” he responded without missing a beat. “But I am glad to see that you are doing well.”

He took a sip of his drink and returned to the conversation he had with Ines before and as hard as he tried to look casual, Chiara knew very well that he just told her he actually _did_ miss her.

˜

Ethan Ramsey was sitting at the bar, watching the crowd of people that all came to celebrate the happy couple. He really wanted to go home already, not feeling any of the happy vibes reaching him. The picture of scotch, book and comfort of his bed, was enough for him to dream about leaving, however he couldn’t bring himself to actually do so. It wouldn’t be impolite towards Harper and her fiancé, as he already congratulated them and the speeches were told and nobody really cared about the grumpy doctor at the bar. He stayed because he believed he’d see Chiara somewhere among the crowd, he _hoped_ to at least catch a glimpse of her. Two hours ago, Ethan spotted Dr. Varma dancing with Aurora Emery and so he expected to see Chiara nearby, but two long hours have passed and she was nowhere to be found.

Just as he started to concede the possibility of her not coming to the party, the familiar voice behind his back startled him. He turned around abruptly on his bar stool and suddenly found himself staring in those beautiful green eyes, the eyes that were wide with surprise as they stared back at him.

“Chia- um, Dr. Ray. Nice to see you,” he nodded towards her, remembering her wish to keep things professional.

“Hi, Ethan,” she smiled softly as she grabbed the glass of wine she ordered and his shoulders visibly relaxed when she called him by his first name.

Chiara wished to go home. As happy as she was for Dr. Emery and Mr. Banks, she felt her legs slightly trembling after the pressure she kept putting on them for the last three hours and her head was hurting. Clearly, she was overwhelmed by all the noises and fellow doctors wanting to talk to her and foreign teachers asking her how did she – _so young and beautiful_ – ended up with a cane. All she dreamed about was her bed and medical journal and some lovely, slow, silent music in the background. Sienna promised to take her home anytime she wanted but seeing how much she was enjoying her time with Danny on the dance floor, Chiara couldn’t bring herself to ask her to leave. And so, she decided to at least order a glass of wine and just observe the others from a corner of the room.

The possibility of meeting Ethan at the bar hasn’t crossed her mind even once, when really it was the only place she could imagine him spending the night at.

He looked as handsome as ever and it took Chiara by surprise. She believed she could face him and maintain the cold distance _she_ decided to put between them this time. She wasn’t prepared for him, dressed in black button up shirt and black pants, to look so unfairly awesome.

“You look like you are attending a funeral,” she blurted out, trying to save herself from telling him how attractive he looked.

“I hate parties almost equally much,” Ethan replied, observing her from head to toes, admiring her beauty. Her cheeks were blushed pink, few strands of her hair sticking out of her bun, the dress flattering both, her figure and her complexion.

_You look so beautifully alive, Rookie._

“Why are you here then?”

“Because I respect Harper and, as much as it may surprise you, I am sincerely happy for her to find the right man. Well, I would definitely be happier if the amount of “darlings” and “sweethearts” in their speeches was radically decreased, but nonetheless, I am happy for them.”

Chiara, despite trying to keep her expression cool and distant, had to laugh at the dissatisfied expression on his face as he said the words darlings and sweethearts.

“You hate nicknames in relationship. Obviously.”

“Yes, obviously,” he repeated. “I mean, they have their names for a reason.”

“But you call me Rookie,” the pointed out, sipping slowly on her wine.

Ethan’s expression softened immediately, remembering the first time he called her so.

“I called you Rookie on your first day in hospital, because I didn’t know your real name back then. That’s the difference. These two, I mean, Harper and Thomas are pretty decent names, why can’t they just use them?”

Ignoring his rage about Harper and Thomas not using their actual names, Chiara couldn’t help but tease him.

“Yeah, you didn’t know my name back then, but now you do, and you still call me Rookie. So I guess the nicknames are not all that bad.”

His cheeks blushed in dark pink colour as he realized that she was indeed right. He gave her a nickname and they both grew so fond of it, that he didn’t want to stop calling her that.

Clearing his throat, Ethan decided to change the topic before they would tangle themselves too deep in the memories and therefore regrets.

“So, have have you been doing?”

Chiara wasn’t looking at him as she answered: “I like to think that I am doing fine”

“What exactly does that mean?”

She shrugged, not really wanting to elaborate. She only wanted to talk to him about work and the money she owed him, the concept of the “how-has-life-been-lately” talk not fitting into her plan.

“My back doesn’t hurt much anymore, only when I stand for too long or sleep on one side for too long. The legs are fine, except the stability in my left leg – I don’t trust myself with it enough, I guess. That’s why I’ll have to use this little friend of mine-” she chuckled as she lifted her wooden cane up, “-a little bit longer than I initially expected. Other than that, I am totally fine.”

“And the nightmares?” he couldn’t help but ask, noticing the dark circles under her eyes.

“Manageable,” Chiara responded way too quickly and before he could accuse her of lying, she changed the topic. “Honestly, I think _I_ should be the one to ask you if you were okay. I mean, this is 16 ounces glass you are holding in your hand and it’s filled with pure liquid. So you’re either drinking insufferably huge amount of vodka or you are drinking water, which in your case, is just as weird. Are you sick or something?”

Ethan couldn’t suppress his laugh anymore, hearing Chiara like that reminding him all the conversations they had while she was in the hospital.

“It’s water, which, for the record, I drink quite often, since as a doctor I know how important it is. And as much as I’d prefer whiskey tonight, I came here by car. Therefore, I just have to stick with the water until I get home.”

Chiara laughed at the tone of his voice, indicating just how very much he already wished to be home with a glass of said whiskey in his hand.

It was Ethan’s turn to observe the crowd, not knowing if Chiara still insisted on keeping their distance or if he could finally talk to her about all those things he wanted to talk to her about.

Chiara’s whole chest was tight, and she felt her heart breaking all over again at the sight of him. She missed him so much and she wanted to forget all the hurt he caused her and all the trust issues she’s had, because this light conversation they just managed to have, _that_ was her relationship with Ethan. Laughs and teasing and caring for each other. For him to hate sweet couple nicknames and for her to tease him about not drinking alcohol in the middle of the party, it simply felt so _natural._

_This is who we are. This is what we could be if only he could stop leaving me in the dark. If only I could trust him._

The tears threatened to fall out of her eyes and she was thankful for the fact that Ethan wasn’t looking at her. She quickly blinked them away and took a deep breath before speaking again.

“I was actually hoping to talk to you?”

Ethan’s head snapped back at her, his expression surprised and also somehow… pleased?

“You were?”

“I wanted to let you know that I am officially getting back to work on Monday. I missed a lot, so if you have some work for me to catch up, you can send it and I’ll get through everything until then.”

“Please, Chiara,” he smiled softly at her, falling for her even deeper at those words, seeing how dedicated she was. “You’ll catch up just fine on Monday. Enjoy these two free days, the work will wait for you.”

“As you wish,” she shrugged, knowing better than to try to persuade him. “I also wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about the rents you paid for me and as soon as I am back to work, I will pay everything back. Just give me another week or so, please.”

Ethan didn’t want her to pay him back. He didn’t miss the money and the fact that he could do at least _something_ for her made him feel good. But just as Chiara knew about his stubbornness, Ethan knew about hers and so he knew that when Chiara Ray made her mind about something, there was no point in persuading her otherwise.

He was about to nod when he noticed Chiara wincing in pain and gently massaging her lower back.

“So much about no back pains,” he frowned. “Don’t you want to go home?”

“I’d really like to, but I am forbidden to go home without Sienna’s supervision, and she is having such a great time. I don’t want to make her leave, so I guess I’ll just drink wine until _she_ decides to go home.”

“I was about to leave. I can take you,” Ethan offered without a second of hesitation.

She knew she shouldn’t accept. She knew that it was her idea to keep a distance and that stepping into Ethan’s car would ruin her dedication to maintain it. But in this moment, she also knew they both deserved a closure, the talk about them. The talk where both sides could talk and explain.

She hoped for them to be best friends again.

Chiara missed Ethan.

“Okay,” she nodded. “Let me just text Sienna. You can go first and I’ll follow you in a few minutes, so that people don’t talk about us leaving together.”

“Please,” he laughed loudly, for the first time in the evening. “People already _are_ talking about us.”

“What?” she gasped, eyes wide with shock.

“I think it started at the softball game, when I’ve gotten a little bit too protective over you. That and the fact that not once in my eleven years at Edenbrook I attended a softball game. Until you asked me to play,” he chuckled, but after a brief moment his expression hardened. “And well, my, uh… breakdown in the E.R. after your accident, my visits by your bedside, I guess all of those things sparked the rumors.”

Not sure if she felt more amused or embarrassed, Chiara sent a quick text to Sienna, explaining that Dr. Terminator would give her a ride home and after putting her phone back to the purse, she grinned at Ethan: “Let’s give them something fresh then, shall we?”

Ethan put his hand at her lower back lightly and with a smug smile on his face lead her out of the party neither of them wanted to attend in the first place.

˜

The car ride was peaceful, Boston streets unusually quiet and empty, fresh snow reflecting the streetlights, making the street look brighter than it really was.

Ethan was being extremely careful to make sure the ride was smooth, not braking abruptly, not taking sharp turns. As okay as Chiara pretended to be, he was a doctor after all, and he knew that dealing with trauma came in waves. That anything could trigger a bad memory back.

His thoughts were disturbed by a sudden cry coming from Chiara’s mouth.

“Ethan, stop!”

He slammed the brakes, sighing with relief when he made sure that there was no car following them, as his sudden braking would definitely cause a crash. He turned to Chiara startled and despite wanting to respect her wishes, he reached for her hand.

“What is it, Chiara?”

“I am sorry,” she whispered, her voice shaking. “I just felt like the opposite car was about to crash into us.”

At this point, her whole body was trembling, her breaths short and shallow. She was at the beginning of hyperventilation, her face ghostly pale.

“Just let me park and we can step out of the car, okay? We’ll catch some fresh air and everything will be alright,” Ethan squeezed her hand and slowly pulled out, parking the car by the carb as soon as he could. Turning the engine off, his whole figure turned towards Chiara.

“You haven’t been in car since the accident?”

After taking a few deep breaths to steady her senses, Chiara look at Ethan and with a weak voice, she replied: “Only once, when Bryce drove me home from the hospital. But that was at the noon and I could see the whole car on the opposite side of road. I could see that the car was in its own lane, I could even see the driver. But now it’s night and it’s dark and the only thing I see are the two front lights getting closer and closer and…” she trailed off, not able to finish the sentence as her lower lip was trembling again.

Ethan cupped her cheeks with his hands and with voice so soft it broke her heart, he whispered: “It’s okay, Rookie. You are okay, you are safe. We don’t have to continue, we can just sit in the car until you feel better, okay?”

She nodded, leaning into his touch as she closed her eyes. The comfortable silence in the car was only disturbed by occasional car driving by them and for the first time in almost two weeks, Chiara felt safe.

“I guess we should talk,” she muttered into his hand.

“About work? Because as I said, there’s no need-“

“About us,” she cut him off, straightening on her seat.

Ethan raised his eyebrows in surprise, but soon his expression was utterly vulnerable.

“I would like that very much. Do you want to talk here in the car? Or at your place? Of course we could go to my place, as it provides more privacy, but I am fine with whatever you want. As long as you feel comfortable,” he felt the hotness creeping on his neck, realizing very well how nervous he must’ve sounded.

“Your place sounds fine,” Chiara smiled at him, amused as she, too, realized just how nervous he suddenly was.

˜

As they stepped into Ethan’s apartment, the first thing he made sure of was that Chiara was sitting comfortably on his couch.

“Can I offer you something to drink?” he asked, making his way to the kitchen.

“I’ll have whatever you are having.”

“Uhm, I am not going to have anything, so I recommend you to change your mind.”

“You came home to have scotch.”

“Yes, but that was before I knew that you would join me. I’ll be taking you back home,” he shrugged, pouring himself another glass of water.

“I’ll just take a cab,” she rolled her eyes. “Get us both some good scotch, please.”

“There’s no way I am letting you take a cab,” he shook his head. “I promised you a drive home and I intend to give you that.”

Chiara wanted to fight him, to tell him that she was a big girl and didn’t need to be supervised all the time, but she came here to talk about them and so she let the topic of whiskey go.

“I think it’s rather fair to both of us to know where we stand, now that I’ll be back to work and things will go back to normal.”

Ethan joined her on the couch, his expression thoughtful as he kept looking not at her, rather at the coffee table. He nodded slowly and even though he realized that it was not a gentleman thing to do, he started to speak before she could say anything else.

“I am sorry, Chiara. If I am to tell you only one thing tonight, I want you to know, most of all, that I am truly and infinitely sorry for everything I’ve ever put you through. I am sorry for leaving you when you most needed me, for running away when things got hard, for pushing you away only to pull you closer. I now see just how huge coward, how huge asshole I’ve been all that time. And I know very well that one damn ‘sorry’ doesn’t make up for everything I’ve caused you to feel. But still, I am sorry.”

“You weren’t all that bad, you know,” she grinned. “I have forgiven you a long time ago, Ethan. I don’t hate you, obviously. I am not even angry. And I missed you. I mean, there’s no better target of my teasing than you, old man. What we had, while I was in the hospital, it was more than I’ve ever imagined we could be. Being close friends with internal jokes and deep talks, I miss that, Ethan, but I am so afraid to trust you, because every time things got actually good between us, you’d take a step back. So I need you to tell me what you want and once it’s said Ethan, I need you to stick to your words. No matter what.”

Ethan stood up and started to pace nervously around the living room, preparing himself to tell Chiara everything he wanted to tell her for such a long time.

“Not so long ago I told you that there was no such a thing as unconditional love or soul mates. That I am not capable of love, because I don’t believe in it in the first place. But sweet Lord, seeing you in the I.C.U. after the accident, believing that I would never see your eyes open, that I would never hear you laugh again, it made me think. And as terrible as I am at expressing my emotions and my feelings, I no longer feel that way. I know now that whatever it is that you feel for me, it’s unconditional. It must be, because otherwise you would just give up on me already. And I know that what I feel for you, whatever it is, is unconditional too.”

He took a deep breath and sat back down on the couch next to her, taking her hand into his.

“For a long time I believed that the thing I wanted the most was to have you all to myself. To selfishly call you mine. But now I know that is actually not what I want the most.”

“Oh?” she interrupted him for the first time, her expression visibly pained.

“What I want more than anything in this world is for you to be happy. You deserve the whole world Chiara and you deserve to be happy and nothing else but happy. And I know myself. I am broken man, destroyed one. Cynic. Asshole. Unable to express what he feels, enable to show affection. No matter how much I care for you, there are still men out there, that would be so much better at expressing it. Even though they wouldn’t care as much as I do, they would show you just how much they do. If we were together, we would have to keep our relationship a secret. I wouldn’t be able to take you out for a dinner, to accompany you to the parties as your plus one. You deserve so much better than me, Chiara, and I want you to have the best.”

There was a long pause after that. Chiara was staring at the wall, obviously way too deep in her thoughts, considering everything Ethan has just said. Her brows were furrowed, her fingers playing with the hem of her dress without her mind actually realizing so.

After what felt like forever, she turned to Ethan and looked straight into his eyes.

“You don’t get to decide what’s best for me, Ethan. As noble as it is, for you to want me to be happy even if it’s with someone else, if you selfishly want me all for yourself, just say it, damnit. I can decide if that’s what’s best for me.”

The fire in her eyes as she looked at him made Ethan’s throat dry. Before he could compose any meaningful sentence, Chiara added: “But remember, I need you to stand by what you say. I need you to keep your words this time, Ramsey.”

“Well, then I selfishly want you all for myself, Rookie,” he smiled at her, the fact that she didn’t retreat the hand he was holding giving him a tiny bit of hope. “And I wish I could be the one to make you happy.”

“You mean it?”

She wanted to come with a comeback, with response that would break this tense, vulnerable, raw atmosphere, yet she needed him to ensure her that he wouldn’t change his mind in the morning.

“I mean it. With all my heart, if there’s something of it left. I mean it with my whole being, Chiara. If you ever decide to give me, _give us_ , a chance, I promise not to give up on us, not to leave, not to push you back. I promise to work on the relationship harder than I’ve ever worked on my degree.”

They both laughed, knowing that such promise meant more than any other could mean.

“Well, in that case, it’s a good thing that I selfishly want you all to myself too, Dr. Ramsey,” her words almost a whisper as she let them out.

For the first time ever, their lips met in a kiss that didn’t taste like regrets, doubts and sorrow.

For the first time ever they kissed with hope and promises and happiness.


	9. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for The Queen references, it was so not planned but I got carried away.  
> Warning: cursing, hints of sex
> 
> I didn't check the mistakes yet, therefore I am sorry for them. 
> 
> Enjoy!

For the first time ever, their lips met in a kiss that didn’t taste like regrets, doubts and sorrow.

For the first time ever they kissed with hope and promises and happiness.

Their lips met in a newfound feeling of odd security, something that has never happened before, as the threat of regrets always hung over their heads. The kiss started out as almost shy, Ethan’s lips brushing Chiara’s ever so softly, afraid of ruining the sacred moment if he allowed his yearning to take a full lead. But soon it was Chiara who opened her mouth slightly, inviting him to make sure that she still tasted like the Chiara he kissed at Mass Kenmore all those months ago.

The concept of time long forgotten by the couple of doctors as they discovered their new normal, kissing until the air around them changed, until the heat their bodies produced was enough for them to finally break the connection. With their cheeks flushed, hair dishelved, the buttons of Ethan’s shirt undone, they looked at each other intensively while catching their breaths.

„I think we should stop here,“ Ethan broke the silence at last.

„Are you already stepping back?“ Chiara asked with a teasing smile, which was supposed to hide her tremendous fear that Ethan actually _was_ stepping back.

He chuckled at the question and took her hands into his, slowly running his thum along her knuckles.

„I screwed up a lot in the past. I simply want to make things right this time. And taking you here at my couch when two hours ago I didn’t believe you would ever want to forgive me again, that doesn’t feel right. We still have a conversation to make. And I would like to at least make you a dinner before we take the... next step.“

„ _Good old fashioned lover boy_ , huh?“ she couldn’t help but tease him again.

„Are you seriously quoting Queen on me now? You know I am _Under Pressure_.“

„You know Queen lyrics?“ she laughed and decided to continue the little game. „That is, indeed, _Miracle_.“

„You underestimate me, Rookie. _The show must go on.“_

„Oh, Ramsey, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into with this little Queen references competition. My dad loved Freddie Mercury. I know every single lyrics. _Don’t stop me now.“_

„I am afraid I have to. We seriously need to talk. But you are still my _Killer Queen,“_ he smiled as he kissed her forehead.

He leaned back into to couch, pulling Chiara towards him, until her head rested on his lap and he could play with her hair. Her hands rested in her own lap, fingers nervously fidgeting at the thought of another serious talk. No matter how hard she tried to trust him completely, the little part of her was simply too afraid to do so. Tha little part expected to hear that it was a mistake and they needed to be professional again.

Ethan observed Chiara’s furrowed brows and her slightly shaking hands and how she kept biting her lower lips and he hated himself, knowing that she was this nervous because of him. Because he hurt her and left her and pushed her away so many times, that she couldn’t trust him fully anymore. He hated every part of his own self and he knew he deserved the hate.

„As I said previously, I want to make things right this time, Chiara. Which means that we need to talk even about uncomfortable things and that I want to stand by your side every step of the way and that I never want to hurt you again. Never in my life have I felt this way, not with Marial, not with Harper, never. And honestly, Chiara, it terrifies me. These feelings, I am so scared. I have always believed that I know who I am, that nothing can surprise me anymore and then you walked into Edenbrook and... well, I was fucked. I found out that I couldn’t recall who I was anymore, because I was changing and as a man who hates change, I fought it all I could. _Until_ I could. And I can’t anymore, I can’t fight against you, but this new reality, it still scares me.“

His voice was trembling now, thick with emotion. He wanted to say so much more, he wanted to tell her how sorry he was that she had to deal with this broken piece of man, that he knew he would hurt her again despite his best efforts to not to. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her. So desperately did he wish he could just express how he felt, but all the words got stuck in his throat and so he just stared at the black screen of television in front of him and hated himself even more.

Chiara wasn’t staring at the ceiling anymore, rather watching Ethan’s expressions as he finished his speech. She reached his left cheek with her hand and caressed him softly.

„I am here, Ethan. No matter how scary it gets, I am here, okay? You don’t need to tell me everything now. Or ever, for that matter. _I know.“_

Finally he looked down at her and the intensity of compassion in her stare made him want to cry.

_How did I ever deserve a woman like you?_

He cupped her hand on his cheek and leaned into her touch, closing his eyes to compose himself.

Clearing his throat to make sure he wouldn’t actually start crying, he decided to start the uncomfortable conversation.

„I want to be with you, Chiara. With my whole being, I wish to be with you. But your career is only starting and you are more than just brilliant doctor. You are destined to be the best one of your generation.“

He felt Chiara tense in his lap as she opened her mouth to fight him.

„Just let me say this, okay?“ he stopped her before she could say anything. „Being with you is not illegal. It’s not even fobidden and we both know that Naveen would never disapprove of our relationship. It’s unprofessional and probably unethical, but that doesn’t matter. If we decided to go public, it wouldn’t cost you – or me – the job at Edenbrook. And as someone who has worked there for eleven years now, it would hardly affect me anyhow. But you, Chiara, your reputation...“ Ethan ran his free hand through his hair before continuing. „At the moment, everyone at the hospital knows that you are amazing doctor. Fellow residents, nurses, even attendings, they respect you, because you earned it. But if they find out about us, no matter how hard you worked to earn that respect, it will be forgotten. You will be the resident that’s dating Dr. Ramsey and therefore gets the special treatment. And nobody would give a damn about the fact that I am harder on you than on anyone else. Nobody would care, because rumours are rumours and all the respect that you earned, it would be gone. I don’t care what they have to say about me, but you are young and promising and I can’t let my need to be with you officially stand in the way of your progress. Obviously, I am not letting you go either and so one of the options is for us to be in a secret relationship until your residency is over.“

Chiara raised her eyebrow at him and asked: „One of the options? I don’t think there are any other options.“

„Of course there are. I get that keeping this a secret will be hard, that it wouldn’t be the relationship you deserve. So if you are not willing to do that, which I absolutely understand, I will transfer into another hospital.“

„What?“ Chiara all but shouted and abruptly sat up, looking at him with wide eyes. „You would never do that. Edenbrook is the best hospital in Boston. It’s your life. You belong to Edenbrook.“

„I like to think that I belong to you, Chiara,“ he smiled. „Yes, Edenbrook has been my life for the past eleven years, but it’s caring about the patients that brings me joy, not the hospital itself. And there are patients in other hospitals in Boston. Nothing in Edenbrook makes me feel as happy as you do, Dr. Ray. Just say a word and I’ll be gone.“

_Since when are you such a softie, Ramsey?_

„That would be so stupid, Ethan. It’s just a year and half until my residency is over. I think we are both capable of keeping things secret for that long. Iť’s not like we would make out in the waiting room anyway.“

Ethan let out a whole-hearted laugh, tension leaving his shoulders. He was serious when he said that he would leave Edenbrook because of her, but knowing that she didn’t want him to, that she respected his career as much as he respected hers, brought him soothing sense of relief.

„There is one thing, though,“ Chiara said. „I am okay with keeping things secret with most people, but if it’s alright with you, I feel the need to tell my friends. My roommates and Bryce. They are the people I trust with my life and I know that they would never spread the rumours. It would be much easier for me if they just knew, if I didn’t have to make up excuses about where do I spend my evening or a weekend. But only if it doesn’t bother you.“

Ethan shrugged, not surprised by her suggestion. Her friends were her supporting net and ever since the accident, he could see just how much they meant to each other. And for that, he was happy.

„I honestly believe that they already have their ideas about us. If you trust them, then it’s okay by me.“

Chiara smiled at him and raised from his lap, so that she could kiss him. With one hand on the back of his neck she straddled him, her free hand drawing teasing circles on his bare chest. His grip on her hips got stronger and his resolution to make it right this time was slowly decreasing with every swirl of her tongue in his mouth.

„Do you want to stay a night?“ he whispered when he pulled back, his voice raspy.

Chiara laughed softly and shook her head, wanting to ask him if he would cook the dinner now, so that they could finish what has been started.

„Sienna would go crazy with fear if I didn’t come home tonight and I don’t want to tell her I am staying with you through the phone. They all have a day off tomorrow, I’ll tell them at brunch we have planned.“

„Yes. Sure. That’s... reasonable. I am working tomorrow, but I have a free Sunday, so what do you say about me picking you up tomorrow evening, making you a dinner and you staying here for the night and then on Sunday?“

„That definitely sounds like a plan,“ she grinned and crashed his lips with hers once again.

˜

The brunch was reaching its end, all the spinach quiche has been eaten, mini chocolate tarts made by Sienna in the hands of young doctors and Chiara still couldn’t find her courage to tell them. By the look Sienna gave her last night when she got home, Chiara knew that she was waiting for some kind of explanation and as much as she trusted them to be supportive and happy for her, she felt extremely nervous to drop this bomb.

„Guys, I.. uhm, well.. I kinda have to tell you something. I’ve got some news.“

„Are you moving out?“ Jackie raised her eyebrow.

„Don’t tell us you are transferring to Mass Kenmore too,“ Elijah added.

Chiara laughed and looked at Sienna, who – with a smug smile on her face – nodded softly, sign of encouraging her to simply say it.

„No, I am not moving out and I am not transferring. It’s about Dr. Ramsey.“

„What about him? Is _he_ transferring?“ Elijah gasped again, eyes wide with shock.

„You really haven’t gotten past my transferring E, have you?“ Aurora chuckled.

„He is not,“ Chiara took a deep breath. „Last night he gave me a ride home from the party and we had a chance to talk about... lot of things and we decided to give it a shot. To give a relationship a shot, I mean. We have had feelings for each other for some time now and he never wanted us to be more than collegues but now he kinda changed his mind? However, it needs to be a secret until I am an attending, but I needed to tell you because I can’t keep secrets from you and I love you and I just want you to know that I am dating Ethan Ramsey.“

She expected them to be shocked. Maybe to tease her. She expected the long stunned silence she knows from movies. Despite her hope, she even expected them to be angry or to despise her. What she didn’t expect was their soft laughter and Jackie’s question: „Okay, and now the news? I thought you wanted to share some news with us.“

„ _That_ is the news!“ Chiara exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

„Oh,“ she breathed out and then added. „I think I am saying this for all of us Chiara – coming clear with your feelings and making things official between the two of you, that’s great. Really, good for you. We are happy. But saying that it’s news? Pleaaaase, we all have known for some time now that you two had something going on.“

„She is right,“ Aurora nodded, grinning.

Chiara sat there with her mouth open, looking from one face to another and really, they all simply smiled knowingly, without a sign of surprise or anger.

„We are really, really happy for you, Chiara. You deserve to be happy and so does Dr. Ramsey, I guess,“ Sienna smiled and hugged Chiara tightly.

„But if he ever hurts you, I am going to kick his balls,“ Jackie couldn’t help but add, joining the hug. Soon, they were all hugging and suddenly, it wasn’t about Chiara and Ethan at all, it was about the friends that support each other through thick and thin, it was about the love they shared.

˜

**CR: Just finished the brunch.**

**CR: They were not surprised at all ???**

**CR: Glad I told them**

**ER: Good to know it went well.**

**CR: Yup, they are the best. You know... Friends Will Be Friends**

**ER: The Queen reference again?**

**CR: I saw a chance and I took it lol**

**ER: I think I've got one too. I am afraid I have to take back calling you The Killer Queen.**

**CR: Excuse me???**

**ER: I found out you were actually The Love Of My Life.**

**ER: I have to get back to work.**

**ER: See you at six.**

**CR: Can't wait xx**

Chiara couldn’t suppress the smile that spread across her face as she read that one text over and over again.

She would swear that Ethan didn’t really have to get back to work and only wrote that so that he wouldn’t have to carry on with the conversation. She could just imagine how hard it must have been for him to write those words to her and was pretty sure that his cheeks blushed the bright pink colours she adored so much.

˜

As he promised, Ethan parked his car outside Chiara’s apartment at six and since all her roommates have already known about them, he decided to pick her up instead of just calling her to come out.

No matter how many times he told himself that it wasn’t such a big deal, that she spent the night at his place already, he still felt incredibly nervous. What if she didn’t like the dinner he would cook? What if she realized that she actually didn’t want to spend her night and Sunday with him? What if she started to feel the same hatred he felt for himself, because he wasn’t capable of telling her how he really felt while looking into her eyes?

Shaking his head abruptly to get the thoughts out of it, he knocked on the door, hoping that it would be Chiara who opened them.

It was Sienna.

„Dr. Trinh,“ he nodded towards her and seeing her expression, he corrected himself. „Sienna. Good evening.“

„Nice to see you, Dr. Ramsey!“ she smiled. „Come in, I’ll go tell Chiara you are here.“

He stepped into the apartment, watching her back as she walked towards Chiara’s room. Before she could step in, she turned at him once again and added: „I am really happy for you two, Dr. Ramsey.“

„Ethan is just fine, Sienna,“ he said, right corner of his lip lifting softly. „And thank you.“

Soon, Chiara stepped out of her room and smiled oh so brightly when she noticed him standing in the hall. Before she approached him, she hugged Sienna quickly and whispered something into her ear, at which Sienna grinned mischievously.

„Shall we?“ he asked as he pressed his lips against her temple. Chiara simply nodded and followed him into his car, suppressing the need to pinch herself to make sure that any of this was real.

˜

After they finished the dinner – Georgian stuffed chicken, which he promised her all those months ago – they found themselves tangled on his couch, glasses of fine wine in their hands. Chiara insisted on talking about work and Ethan insisted on talking about anything but work.

Before they could argue about why they should or shouldn’t talk about work, they weren’t talking about anything anymore, using their lips for much more pleasing activities.

Covering her petite form with his body, Ethan broke the kiss only to continue pressing his lips on her jawline, on the spot behing her left ear that he knew would make her moan and then sucking on her neck gently. His hands roamed her torso under the sweater she was wearing and just as he was about to tuck the sweater up, Chiara opened her eyes and pushed his hands away.

„Don’t,“ she whispered, shame written all over her face.

Ethan’s brows furrowed at the sudden change in the mood, but of course he immediately stopped in his tracks.

„Sure. Yes, I am really sorry, Chiara. I didn’t intend to be inappropriate. I am really sorry.“

„It’s not that, Ethan,“ she breathed out, her voice so small he almost missed what she was saying. „It’s not about me not wanting... you. Just... well, the accident and then the surgery left me terribly scarred. There are hideous scars all over my stomach and some on my chest too and I don’t want you to see how ugly it all is.“

His chest tightened at her words and he caressed her cheekbone so softly she felt like she was making the touch up.

„Oh, Chiara,“ he whispered. „Don’t ever say something like that ever again, okay? Nothing on your body is hideous. Could I see them, please?“

She nodded and closed her eyes as he rolled her sweater up to her breasts, not wanting to see his expression when he’d see how destroyed her body was.

Keeping her eyes shut, she couldn’t tell if he even looked at her at all, but the fact that for a moment there was no movement around her and no sound that would break the heavy silence of the room was enough for her to think of the worst.

_He is disgusted by how I look._

The light warmth of his fingers on her stomach made her open her eyes.

Ethan’s gaze, fixed on her abdomen, was so intense and so adoring it brought tears into her eyes. He traced every single one of her scars with his thumb so softly, so gently it almost tickled. After observing her, he lowered his head and put a feather-like kiss on the first scar while whispering „you are beautiful“. Then the second one („and you are beautiful“) and the third one right over her left breast („and you are beautiful“).

„And you are the most beautiful,“ he whispered as he raised his eyes to look into Chiara’s green ones. She had to close them again, overwhelmed by the gentlesness in his voice and his actions.

Returning to kissing her fiercely, Ethan ran his hand up and down her thigh while sucking and biting the soft flesh above her hip.

„That’s going to leave a mark,“ Chiara all but moaned.

„Nobody will see it here,“ Ethan murmured, not concerned about her words at all. „Or will they?“ he added quickly, looking back at her, his eyes dark with lust and also... was it possiblity of jealousy?

Shaking her head, Chiara got rid of her sweater and started to work on the buttons of Ethan’s shirt, not patient enough to be teased without feeling his skin on hers.

Taking a clue, Ethan ceased the movements of his mouth on her hips only to take her into his arms and bring her into his bedroom, so that they could finish what they started in the comfort of his king-sized bed.

˜

Monday morning came all too quickly for their liking and as excited as Chiara was to get back to work, the comfort and security of Ethan’s apartment were enough for her to complain when she had to leave it.

Ethan and Chiara drove to the hospital together, however once they’ve gotten to the parking lot, Chiara decided to leave the car first while Ethan waited some time longer, so that they wouldn’t raise a suspicion. Once seated in the diagnostics office, Chiara sent a quick message to Ethan that it was safe for him to come to work now.

The door opened after a while and in came both male doctors of the team, Ethan’s expression neutral, while Baz Mirani almost jumped of joy when he noticed Chiara behind the round table.

„Oh, my favourite doctor is back! I am so happy you are here now, Chiara, working with those two grumpies without you was a torture!“

„Excuse me?“ Ethan raised his eyebrow at the remark.

„I am happy to be back too, Baz,“ Chiara laughed, ignoring Ethan’s (pretended) offended expression and stood up to hug Baz tightly.

„You still have a cane?“

„Yup. hopefully not forever, though. It’s more an accessory now,“ she grinned.

„Cool!“ Baz exclaimed. „We should call you Dr. House while you have it! Right, Ethan?“

Ethan’s confussion – unlike his offended face – wasn’t an act when he innocently asked: „And why would we do that?“

Chiara and Baz exchanged an amused look at Ethan’s hopeless unfamiliarity with mainstream hospital dramas, while he watched them both with his brows furrowed, knowing too well that they would tease him for it for days.

˜  
Weeks turned into months and by March, Chiara felt as if the accident happened years ago. She didn’t need the cane anymore – which made Baz both happy (for her) and sad (because the Dr. House jokes had to stop) – and with the amount of nights she’s been spending with Ethan, even her nightmares have seemed to disappear.

„Dr. Ray,“ Ethan acknowleged her presence as he reached the nurse’s station. „I was about to page you. We have a patient to see.“

Without saying a word, Chiara followed him to the room, listening to the information he was sharing with her: „Ellie Barnes, five years old. Losing weight, severe headaches, stomach cramps. Her mother brought her here this morning with fever.“

With the list of possible diagnoses in her head, Chiara walked into the room, ready to talk to the little girl. However, before she could open her mouth, Ethan approached the bed Ellie was laying in and smiled down at her.

The little gril with wide smile and curly blonde hair, dressed in pink pajamas with Rapunzel on top of the shirt, was hugging her princess doll tightly, while her mother kept stroking her hair gently.

„Hello, Ellie. I am Dr. Ethan and this is Dr. Chiara. We will take care of you while you are here.“

„Are you my prince?“ Ellie asked immediately.

Ethan laughed softly at the proposition, but shook his head.

„I am afraid I might be too old to be your prince, _but_ I could be your knight. What do you say about that? I will be the night that will fight all the bad things that are making you feel sick now.“

„Okay,“ Ellie shrugged. „Knight sounds good.“

„In that case, Princess Ellie, we will need to draw some blood so that we can discover the villain in your body and fight it.“

„Will you hold my hand, Dr. Knight Ethan?“

Kneeling next to her bed, Ethan took her small hand into his huge one and smiled even wider at the princess girl.

„Of course I will. And Dr. Chiara here, she could be the fairy in our story, hm? Well, she will draw the blood and talk to your mom, okay?“

Ellie nodded, hugging her doll even tighter with one hand, while Ethan rubbed the other with his thumb.

„You were pretty good with her,“ Chiara said as they left Ellie’s room to run the tests.

„I am pretty good with all my patients, Dr. Ray,“ Ethan grinned.

„Well, yeah, you are, but you know what I mean. I have never seen you with kid patient before, I guess. It just surprised me to see how natural you were with Ellie.“

„I like kids.“ Ethan shrugged, not knowing how to react to Chiara’s compliment.

 _And I can never give them to you,_ she thought bitterly, biting her lip so that she wouldn’t ruin their day by the remark if she said it aloud.

˜

That evening, Ethan found himself sitting on his couch with Jenner’s head in his lap, reading a medical journal, when the comfortable silence of the apartment was disturbed by ringing of his phone.

„Chiara? Is everything alright?“ he picked it up, horror audible in his voice.

„Yes, sure. I am fine. I was just wondering if I could come in tonight?“

„Aren’t Tuesday nights reserved for your roommates?“

„Yeah, but they decided to have a group date night and since Elijah is taking Phebe and Sienna is taking Danny, I can’t bring you with me and I don’t feel like going alone. So, um.. I thought that maybe you wouldn’t mind if I came?“

„Of course you can come. Do you need me to pick you up?“

„Nope. I’ll be there in an hour.“

˜

„Okay Ethan, I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Did I interrupt your peaceful evening? Should I go home?“

Chiara’s been at Ethan’s place for more than an hour now and his mood was only getting worse. Not wanting to talk about it, he left her in the dark, only guessing what was wrong.

„No, don’t go home, please,“ he finally responded. „It’s not about you. Just... argh, I am just so angry.“

„With me?“

„No! With myself. With circumstances. With life.“

„Did something happen at work?“

Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. Wearing a gray Henley t-shirt with dark jeans made him look younger, more relaxed and yet, at this very moment, Ethan Ramsey looked simply... defeated.

„After you called me, I had to think about what you said. That you can’t bring me with you because there are people who don’t know about us. And it got me thinking, it made me admit the one thing I’ve been so afraid to admit.“

„What are you talking about?“ Chiara asked gently, taking his hand between hers.

„I am so scared that you will sooner or later realize that you could have so much better than me, Chiara,“ he whispered, voice heavy with fear and vulnerability. „That you _deserve_ so much more. You deserve a relationship in which your man takes you out for a dinner and holds your hand in public and kisses you in the middle of the street. You deserve to be able to bring your boyfriend with you when meeting your friends. You deserve so much more than sneaking around and having dinner at my apartment, making sure that nobody sees us holding hands or being careful to not to stare at each other for too long in the hospital halls, because that would be suspicious. And I can’t give you what you deserve. Lahela could give you that. Aveiro could give you that. Goddamnit _anyone_ could give you that, anyone but me. And I dread the day you realize all of this and leave me. Because neither of us got what we deserved. You’ve gotten much less with me than what you deserve. I, on the contrary, have gotten so, so, so much more with you, than what I deserve. And it’s not fair.“

There was a long silence. All Ethan could hear was his drumming heart in his ears.

„I knew what I’ve gotten myself into when we agreed to give us a try, Ethan,“ Chiara broke the silence at last, her voice barely above whisper. „I know who you are and I am very aware of what we can and cannot be. I am also aware of what I could have with other boys. I am a grown woman, Ethan, I can make my decisions and I realize the consequences of them. And I need you to listen to me now. I want to be with you, Ethan Jonah Ramsey. I would rather sneak around with you and hide in your apartment than hold my hands in public with anyone else. I chose you and I keep choosing you every day. You need to start believing that you are good enough. Not only for me, for everyone. Because you are enough, Ethan.“

The next moment, Chiara felt like she was being crushed by the force with which Ethan hugged her. She could swear she felt his tears moisten the skin under her hair, however before she could confirm her suspicion by looking up at Ethan, he cleared his throat and gently pulled away, standing up from the couch.

„I’ll be right back,“ he murmured and left the living room.

When he got back, he played with his antique phonograph for a while and as the room was filled with gentle tones of one of Frank Sinatra’s songs, he lit up three candles and switched the lights off.

Only then he approached Chiara, still sitting on his couch and with almost shy expression that adorned his face, he asked: „Can I have this dance?“

With a brught smile, Chiara stood up and took his hand, the other one landing on his chest.

„I would never believe that Ethan Ramsey owned candles,“ she teased him.

„In fact, I like candles very much. I enjoy staring into the fire and since this apartment doesn’t have a fireplace, I light up the candles from time to time and just look at them while listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.“

She smiled at the picture forming in her head, Ethan’s relaxed form with glass of whiskey in his hand, softly humming into the tones of violin, thoughtfully looking into the small flame of a candle.

They slowly swayed in the middle of the room, Chiara’s head resting just under Ethan’s shoulder, while he kept kissing the top of her head, his eyes closed.

_How did I get this lucky?_

The thought ran in Chiara’s head over and over.

 _What did I do to deserve this?_ was the one Ethan kept replaying in his mind.

„Thank you. For having me,“ he whispered into her hair.

„Thank you for letting me have you.“


	10. In My Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of Already Gone series is here! Thank you for everyone who decided to give the series a shot, thank you for all your likes and comments and reblogs! I have two one shot sequels planned already and then bunch of random one shots about Ethan and Chiara, which might ot might not correspond with Already Gone storyline - but that’s not relevant now. Enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> I honestly think this can be easily read even without reading previous chapters.
> 
> Words count: 3 800  
> Warnings: slightest hint of angst, but mostly this is just fluff

Chiara’s day has been downright frustrating so far. She was dealing with two patients – one of them being an absolute pain in the ass and the other, on the other hand, sweet fourteen years old which she had troubles diagnosing – and besides that, Ethan has been to New York for three days and she missed his reassuring smiles while walking down the corridors.

_Just get through today and you’ll be fine. He will be back by the evening and you will see him tomorrow morning._

She was tired and angry with the PITA and also angry with herself for not being able to diagnose Leah.

All of those draining emotions and thoughts made her curse under her breath when she was paged by the nurses’ station, which didn’t go unnoticed by Sienna and Jackie which were walking by at the moment.

“Uh-oh, Dr. Ray, such nasty word coming from such pretty mouth?”

“Shut up Sienna or she will find a brand new nasty word for you” Jackie stopped her, grinning. “What made you so irritated, Chiara?”

Chiara sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she kept walking to the nurses’ station.

“The day has literally just began and I already feel like punching something. Or someone.”

“You resemble Ramsey too much Chiara,” Jackie chuckled. “You are even grumpier than Zaid today.”

At that, Chiara had to laugh and as she finally approached the station, she felt at least a little bit lighter.

“I’ve been paged,” she said to Danny, noticing that the station was unusually full this morning, crowded with fellow resident, interns and even few attendings.

“Yeah, this came for you. The courier just dropped it off,” he smiled as he reached for a bouquet behind the counter.

Chiara’s mouth fell wide open at the sigh of huge bouquet full of sunflowers. The air was filled with _‘oooh’s’_ and _‘wooow’s’_ coming from mouths of women around Chiara and there was also one _‘hmm someone’s getting laid tonight’_ coming from a surgeon resident Chiara didn’t really know.

“What does the note say?” Sienna couldn’t help but ask curiously, glancing over Chiara’s shoulder.

Cheeks flushed in bright red color, Chiara opened the note with the trembling hands.

_‘Vincent Van Gogh once said that he finds comfort in contemplating the sunflowers. I find comfort in contemplating you’ -J_

She smiled to herself, knowing very well who the flowers came from – there was only one person knowing about her obsession with Van Gogh, just as there was only one person to sign the note with ‘J’.

Her spirits were immediately lifted, however the hot blush on her cheeks and her neck didn’t seem to be disappearing.

“Do you know who sent them?” Stephanie asked from behind the desk.

“Chiara you never told us you had a boyfriend!” Danny exclaimed brightly.

“Right, Chiara, you never told us! _Who_ could that be?” Jackie grinned, making Chiara blush even deeper, if that was even possible.

She kept staring down at the flowers in her hands, trying to neglect the excited whispers suddenly surrounding her.

How was the whole nurses’ station talking about her secret boyfriend all at once?

“What is going on in here?” The deep voice she knew so well cut through the vibrant buzz.

Chiara’s head snapped to the direction of the voice and it took her all her acting abilities to pretend to be simply surprised and nothing else. Not happy, not excited, just surprised.

Like a deer in a spotlight, she froze on the spot and with wide eyes kept searching the familiar and _oh so handsome_ face she missed so much.

His blue eyes found her face in the middle of the crowd and for the moment so brief she almost missed it, his stare softened the way it always did just for her and there was the tiniest hint of radiant sparks she adored so much. Before anyone else could notice the affectionate exchange of their stares, Ethan’s gaze hardened and he cleared his throat.

“Dr. Ramsey! We didn’t expect to see you until tomorrow,” Stephanie smiled brightly at him.

“My job in New York was done earlier than expected,” he shrugged, oblivious to Stephanie’s attempt of flirting. “I asked what is going on in here?”

“Dr. Ray got this _splendid_ bouquet from a secret admirer,” Sienna smiled all too knowingly at Ethan, which – far better at acting than Chiara – simply raised an eyebrow.

“Congratulations,” he replied dryly. “However the last time I checked this was a hospital, not a high-school corridor. Now quit the gossiping and get back to work.”

Chiara noticed some doctors to roll their eyes and heard one of the nurses to whisper: “And everything is back to normal now.”

She chuckled and turned around to put the flowers into the locker room, entirely aware of the fact that she would be paged into the diagnostics office within the next few minutes.

˜

“You have really outdone yourself with the grand arrival, Dr. Ramsey,” Chiara grinned as she stepped into his office and made sure that they were alone. “How much calculating needed to be done in spite of pulling this trick?”

“Believe it or not, Rookie, it was an absolute coincidence. I have had the flowers delivery arranged even before I left to New York and I didn’t think that I would be able to come back earlier until this morning. But it indeed worked out to my satisfaction,” he laughed softly, standing up from the chair behind this desk. Quickly checking the corridor behind the glass door, he wrapped Chiara in his arms and lightly kissed the top of her head.

“Thank you for the flowers. I would never believe that you are such a romantic soul.”

As they found their way to the grey couch in the corner of the room, Ethan replied with his brows furrowed: “I prefer ‘gentleman’ over ‘romantic soul’, but whatever serves you is okay by me, I suppose.”

“Gentleman, huh?”

“Ever since I was a little kid, my father was very insisting on raising me into polite gentleman. Saying thank you, please, greeting others, that was necessary part of my childhood. And then when I got older, he has taught me everything about being a true gentleman – opening the door, kissing the back of woman’s hand when she introduced herself, bringing flowers, all those things were a natural part of growing up for me.”

“You never kissed the back of my hand when I introduced myself.”

“First, your hands were covered in blood when we introduced ourselves, if I remember it correctly. And second, I don’t do those things anymore. After several experiences when my gentleman behavior has been misread as flirting, I stopped performing it. Unless I am interested in actual flirting with the woman, of course.”

“So you are saying that you want to flirt with me?” Chiara asked with a teasing smirk on her face.

Amused, Ethan simply shook his head and as he was about to ask her if she would like some coffee, her pager’s loud beep broke the comfortable silence surrounding them.

“Oh, Leah’s results. I’ll go pick them up and I’ll be right back, I might need your opinion on this case.”

Without a second glance, she left the room. Ethan stretched his legs and rubbed his tired eyes, cursing himself for going to the hospital straight from the airport when he could be sleeping in his bed now.

But again, Chiara was at the hospital, so how could he be anywhere else?

She brought him much more comfort than his bed could ever provide, anyway.

Not wanting to waste his time, he got back to the chair and started to catch up with all the paperwork that has been loyally waiting on the desk for his return.

He got so consumed by the work that he hardly noticed Chiara’s arrival, if it wasn’t for her furious murmuring as she flipped through the pages of her patient’s file.

“There must be something missing… white cells normal… what am I not seeing… negative, negative, negative, urgh, FUCK ME!” she threw her head back as she all but shouted those last two words.

“Happily,” Ethan replied without missing a beat, now even glancing up from his paperwork. “Although I am afraid that now and here is not the right time nor the place.”

“Seriously, Ramsey?” she turned to him, fire burning in her eyes, her cheeks flushed – was it flush of frustration or the one of lust? “ _Now_ you are joking?”

“I am sorry but passing such opportunity would be a sin,” he grinned at her and waved at the file in her hand, gesturing for her to come closer. “Show me what got you so heated.”

˜

Sever days later, Chiara and Ethan were walking by the river, enjoying one of those few precious moments when they have both had their day off.

The April weather has been rather nice this year, however the water in the Charles River was still so cold that Ethan couldn’t help but mutter “those crazy idiots” every time he noticed someone in it.

Finding the spot where they could talk hidden from the curious eyes of others, they sat down and for a long moment stared at the sparkles the sun was creating at the water surface.

“I am happy, Chiara. I am happy with you,” Ethan broke the silence and wrapped his arm around Chiara’s waist, pulling her closer to him.

She nodded and smiled gently at his words without saying anything, knowing that Ethan didn’t expect her to say it back.

From time to time, he felt the urge to express how he felt at the moment and all Chiara needed to do was to listen and acknowledge his feelings. He already knew she was happy with him, because unlike him, Chiara has never had problems with expressing how she felt.

After long minutes spent in comfortable, peaceful, pleasant silence, Chiara stood up and grabbing her purse, she said: “I noticed the truck serving coffee just around here, I’ll grab us some, okay?”

“Sure. I’ll be right here.”

As he promised, Ethan didn’t even move from the place they found, waiting for Chiara to return.

However, after more than forty minutes, he became rather worried about her. It was only after he heard the sirens when he grabbed everything from the ground and decided to find her, his steps quicker than they would normally be.

The ambulance was parked near the river and he noticed paramedics examining a little boy, his mother crying next to him. And behind them, Chiara sitting in the ambulance, wrapped in the blanket.

With his breath quicker, his vision blurred and hands trembling, he ran those last few meters.

“What the fuck, Rookie?” he called as he approached her. “What happened?”

“I was about to order when I heard a woman’s scream and when I turned around, I noticed a little kid in the river,” she explained, her lower lip trembling from the cold. “I jumped into the water and pulled him out.”

“Are you crazy? You could’ve drown!”

As she opened her mouth to fight him, he was sure, the paramedic interrupted them, checking Chiara’s pressure again.

“It seems to be okay, miss, but we should still take you to the hospital. Just to be sure you will be completely okay.”

“I said I am fine, thank you. Just focus on the boy.”

“We really should take you.”

“I am a doctor at Edenbrook,” Ethan stepped in. “I will take her there and examine her.”

“I am sorry but who are you, sir? Do you know him, Ms. Ray?”

“Yeah, he is my…uh…well, we are-“

“I am her boyfriend and I am taking her to Edenbrook now. Just take care of the kid,” Ethan said with the tone that left no room for further discussion.

He grabbed Chiara’s hand, not caring about anyone seeing them and pulled her towards his building, thankful that it was so close to the park. Without giving her a chance to tell or do anything, he went straight to the parking garage of the building and into his car.

“You could’ve just checked me at your place,” Chiara shrugged as Ethan switched the engine on.

“I’ll examine you at the hospital,” Ethan replied without as much as glancing at her, his voice cold as ice.

“My boyfriend, yeah?” she smiled, hoping that it would break the tension between them.

“It’s not the right time for teasing, Chiara. What were you even thinking? You could’ve both died!”

“But we didn’t. I can swim, Ethan, I really can. Someone had to help the poor kid.”

“Yes, exactly, someone! Not you. Anyone else could have done that.”

Chiara sighed, wrapping herself tighter into the blanket, the wet, cold clothes causing her to shiver.

Ethan wanted to yell at her, to continue his monologue about how dangerous that was and irresponsible and that there was no need to pull such Aveiro stunts, but noticing how much she kept shivering, all he brought himself to do was switch the heating on.

As they parked outside the hospital, he asked: “Do you have some spare clothes in the locker?”

Chiara nodded, already getting out of the car and he told her to come to his office once she is in dry and warm clothes.

Ethan was pacing through his office when she entered, trying to scatter his anger and fear by some physical activity, which proved to be absolutely worthless when he glanced at her and saw the stubborn expression on her face.

“You acted absolutely recklessly, Chiara.”

“I couldn’t let the four year old kid drown.”

“There were other people!”

“Well, nobody else jumped into the water, so I guess it had to be me. I am absolutely fine, Ethan. This is unnecessary.”

“I will be the one to evaluate if you are or are not fine.”

Letting his emotions go for a while, so that he could do his job, he once again checked Chiara’s pressure, listened to her breathing, measured her temperature and only after he made sure that she, indeed, was _absolutely fine_ , he let out a long breath of relief.

“You will stay at my place tonight, in case something goes wrong. I need to check on you.”

“I would stay with you tonight anyway, Dr. Ramsey. No need to cause such drama for something as stupid as me getting into the cold water.”

“Damnit Chiara,” he muttered but decided not to cause another scene at the hospital ground.

Without saying another word, they both left the office, not giving a damn about their colleagues that wondered why would they both be at work on their day off.

The car ride back to Ethan’s place was quiet and tense and so were the minutes that followed after they’ve gotten into the apartment.

Not wanting to ruin the rest of their day, Chiara approached Ethan – who has been pacing around his living room now – and said: “Okay, Ethan. I think you are overreacting, but still – I am sorry I got you worried today.”

“Worried? _Worried_? I was scared! When I saw you in the ambulance, I was scared to death, Chiara!”

His voice was raising, which only sparked more flames in Chiara’s eyes. She didn’t want to fight with him, but she would not let anyone shout at her, not even Ethan Ramsey.

“Okay, you really need to calm down-“

“No. No, no, no,” he interrupted her, his voice rising once again. “You don’t get to tell me to calm down, Chiara. Because it was not me in a car accident, it was you. It was not me lying on the operating table, it was you. But it was me who stared at the door to the O.R. for hours and hours, waiting for Emery to come out and tell me that you are dead. It was me who spent 40 hours sitting next to you after the surgery, afraid of closing my eyes for even a second because I believed that you would die and I would have my eyes closed at the moment! It was me who held your hand while you were in come, not the other way around. I was the one calling your mother to tell her that she should fly to Boston because you might not survive this, not you calling my father. You were never close to losing me, Chiara, you have no idea how it feels to look at your motionless body, at your closed eyes and believing that I would never see you moving again! So no, I am sorry but it’s not your place to tell me to calm down, Chiara Ray, because every time you don’t pick up your phone for a longer while, every time you leave the town with your friends, every time you attend a party or a concert now, every single time my chest literally hurts of fear. I am so fucking scared every time we are not together, because when we are not together, I can’t save you and I wouldn’t get through losing you.”

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down like Chiara asked him to, but the lump in his throat was too big and the anger mixed with dread made him shout even more.

"I can’t lose you, Chiara, don’t you fucking get it? I can’t live this life without you in it, because I care about you, because I need you, because goddamnit I love you and-“

He stopped abruptly, realizing what he had just said.

The silence that filled the room was heavier than all the shouts before.

Chiara and Ethan stared at each other, their eyes wide, expression shocked, Ethan’s hands trembling by his sides.

“What has just happened?” Chiara whispered at last.

“I don’t… I mean, I never… That was absolutely unintentional,” Ethan breathed out at last.

He fell on the couch behind him and with grave feeling in her chest, Chiara followed and sat down next to him.

“So you didn’t mean it? What you said?”

Ethan’s shocked expression turned into something more than just shock at that question, something resembling guilt and pain.

“No. I mean, yes, I did mean it. But meaning it and expressing it – no, _saying it_ – are two absolutely different things.”

Chiara softly reached for his hand and a wave of relief washed over her when he interlaced their fingers together and squeezed her hand back.

“Do you remember the last time you said those words?” she asked quietly.

“I do. Very well, actually,” he let out a humorless laugh and to Chiara’s surprise decided to tell her.

“One day, I was eleven, I came home from school and my mother was home, which was surprising because usually she would come home in the evening. She hugged me as I stepped in and asked me if I needed any help with my homework. The truth was that I never really needed their help with homework, but if there is one thing I have to admit about my mother, it was the fact that she was – maybe still is – an algebra genius. Real genius, I mean. And ever since I can remember, I have always loved to watch her talk about it or explain something to me, because it would bring those beautiful sparks into her eyes. You know, those that people only have when they talk about their deepest passions. And so I told her that I actually did need help with algebra and for the next hour, I would just observe her eyes, because they were so full of light. And after we were done with it, she asked me if I would like an ice cream and I was so happy to spend some time with her that I agreed, even though I never really liked ice cream. So we went to get the ice cream and she would tell me all the algebra jokes and we would laugh so hard the tears kept streaming down our faces. On our walk back home, I told her _‘I love you so much, mum’_ and she said ‘ _and I love you, my little E.J., more than you could ever imagine’_.”

He tried to subtly hide his face, but Chiara noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks and with all the gentleness she could find, she wiped them away.

Ethan cleared his throat to finish the story.

“The next day, she left us. And for months, maybe even years after that, I kept asking myself if she decided to spend all that time with me because she knew that she would leave us? Or maybe she wanted to spend some time with me to help herself decide if she wanted to stay with us or leave – and it that case, what should I have done better to make her believe that she wanted to stay? Or was the ‘I love you’ too much for her to hear and it scared her so much that she’d rather left? I never found the answers. But I swore to myself back then that I would never say those words again.”

“And you never did? To anyone? Your dad, Naveen, anyone?” Chiara whispered.

Ethan simply shook his head and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her more tightly than he ever did.

“Please, tell me you won’t leave me tomorrow, Chiara,” he whispered into her hair.

“I promise I won’t leave you, Ethan.”

They hugged each other, letting their tears stream down their faces, Ethan’s into Chiara’s hair and Chiara’s into Ethan’s shirt.

At the moment, their hearts were shattered and at the same time, they were being healed.

“So you do?” Chiara asked with a light smile after a while. “You know, uhm…you do _the L word_ me?”

“I do love you, Chiara, yes,” he chuckled at her uncertainty of using the word love. “And you? Do you ‘ _the L word’_ me?”

“Of course I love you. I have already told you once.”

He kissed her at those words, pouring all his broken and freshly healed heart into the kiss, brushing her lips with his with such care, such softness it made her feel like if it was the first time they kissed.

“But you don’t get to scare me like this anymore, Rookie. I could’ve gone into cardiac arrest,” he said as they parted.

“You are not that old.”

“Young people can go into cardiac arrests too and I am sure that as a doctor, you know that. Promise me you won’t do anything this stupid.”

“I can promise you to try to avoid such situations, but nothing more,” she shrugged. “However, I can also promise you that you can punish me _anyhow_ you want if I do something stupid,” she added, devilish smirk on her face.

Ethan’s eyes darkened immediately and his breath hitched in his throat before muttering into her ear: “Oh, is that so? Maybe I should start right now then.”


End file.
